I am writing this post for those girls, the girls that find a man with all the characteristics of the man they have built in their heads, dreams and wedding fantasies. Only thing wrong with this man is he doesn't want to commit. But he is in your phone and on your mind, daily and on the weekends, in your bed...eating up your home cooked meal and soaking in your love. At first, you tell yourself 'this is nothing, you can do this, just have fun' while your subconscious is yelling 'IF YOU ACT LIKE HIS GIRL, HE WILL SEE YOU ARE CAPABLE AND THE LIGHT BULB WILL GO OFF IN HIS HEAD. HE WILL WANT TO COMMIT.'. *sigh*
'...after all we were just friends. Although, in my world i was his girl so I would pretend to be his wife. Saying shit like "Its only so many years in a woman's life"...so I gave him 3' -Dana Gilmore
In preparing this post, my question was 'Why do we do that? that's so stupid!' Why do we put the domino pieces all in line with daily texts, 'good morning, baby's', free favors, unlimited sex, loyalty and commitment, you did not agree on to just have him say one day 'I told you I didn't want a relationship' or the torturous silent treatment that knocks those domino pieces down quicker and louder than any break up conversation you could ever have. Why do we make it so easy to be dumped in non relationships? Yesterday this came up on my timeline via a RT:
"The awkward moment when you are trying to get over someone you weren't even in a relationship with"
Ain't that the TRUTH!? In my opinion, love is a beautiful thing to feel, even temporarily. The adrenaline rush from love is enough to go a week longer in any kind of non committal relationship in hopes that they will love you for real one day and all will be right in the world. I mean, who would deny attention? who would deny a home cooked meal? who would deny sex? Its not that they are not attracted you, they are. They may even see themselves with a woman like you, they even acknowledge how good a woman you are and appreciate all your good deeds. The real question is how much are YOU willing to do with no reciprocity, no promise to stay and for how long are you willing to do this. Where do you draw the line and say 'Im doing this because I want to but I need you to want to be with me, only me'. Ladies, that is not a selfish question and you are not wrong for wanting to be the only one. You are wrong in thinking you are the only one, trying to be the only one. (cc: Aubrey). Why would you think to be the only one when that agreement was never made and if you are attracted to this man, why wouldn't other women be too?
You have to understand yourself to know what you are willing to do without a commitment and what you need a commitment in order to do. Don't go around here giving full time benefits to a part time lover and expect him to put in overtime. You have to understand that just because YOU are willing to do something, does not mean he is. If you find yourself frustrated after doing some nice shit for him because you feel unappreciated or neglected then maybe you need to reevaluate what you said you wanted when this 'non relationship' began. Maybe those expectations changed as time went on and feelings grew. That's okay, feelings are natural. Don't let anyone tell you you are wrong for feeling.
Men are the silent contributors to this epidemic of the 'non relationship'. I mean, they know what they have to do to continue the 'non relationship' but they do not have to verbalize it. They continue the calling, conversations, occasional hang out sessions, maybe slip in a little 'Im so into you's'. Why? because they like the attention, like I said...who wouldn't?! Most men know exactly what to say to keep a girl right where she is, close enough to keep an eye on but far enough to not have to commit. This sounds like the perfect plan, but it often fails for men. Failure which they also, don't verbalize often. Men catch feelings, too. Wait. Ill say that again...Men catch feelings, too. I mean, they are human. LOL. Men notice a good quality female, men experience the butterflies, men feel too. Men talk to their friends about all the things you did and the idea lives in their heads too of 'what if..', men get jealous, men miss you, they do. If you let them miss you, if you don't actually try to get the jealous (because that's wrong, don't do that). I'm not sure if it is the fear of commitment, the constant search of 'something better' or whatever else excuse they have as to why they do not give into these feelings but the majority of it is: "Why do I have to commit to something when I'm already getting all the loyalty, committing comes with?". Why pay full price when you have a free coupon that's valid everyday? In that sense, they are right. Its when shit hits the fan that everyone is to blame and the issue is unavoidable. The fork in the road of 'We commit or We break up'.
So, Ladies...before you give a man the full access pass to your entire life, love and commitment you have to ask yourself if that is what you want or if that is what you want him to want. Are you playing the girlfriend role because you want to or because you want to be his girlfriend? After he has told you he doesn't want a relationship, why are you convinced you are the exception to make him want one? In the end, you will only expend all your resources and be left back at one, in the same 'I just wanna be cool with you' conversation and feeling like you just broke up with your boyfriend of 8 years when you have only known him a few months. HELLO! The hardest part of a non-relationship is breaking up with the idea and hope of what you want with him, a relationship.
To stop something from happening in your life, a lot of times you just have to stop putting up with it. Stop going through the motions and believing in the what ifs and bring your feet back to the ground. What do you want? No, you are not wrong for loving him, falling for him, doing for him. All those things are consequences of the actions and feelings that have taken place in your 'non relationship'. If feelings didn't develop after spending time, sexing, and caring for someone..you wouldn't be human & I would be concerned. A lot of times we lose ourselves and forget to ask 'Why am I doing this?, What do I want from this?'. Ask yourself more often what you want, are you getting it and if you feel appreciated. If the answer is no, then there is someone out there waiting to give you what you want, love you and appreciate you. Don't keep him waiting. :)
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