Saturday, December 31, 2011

Stages of a Single Girl

...because we were all created single, but not equal.

The Hurt Single Girl - *cue adele playlist* Fresh out of a break up where she was either played, cheated on or just straight dumped. The break up was not her choice and her world is falling apart. She may be skipping out on meals, sleep & human interaction, ignoring phone calls and pretending to be dead to the world. This single girl truly does believe she can die from this, she probably rather die than feel her heart breaking. She is lifeless, numb and in shock. She will get over it. Time heals all.

The 'Over It!' Single Girl - Again, the break up for whatever reason was not her choice. She was dumped, but chooses to patch her broken heart with a bandaid by announcing 'He ain't shit anyway, I'm on to the next'. She also airs out all his dirty laundry, negative characteristics and all of a sudden the man she used to love is the devil himself (eyeroll). She is in denial and will sooner than later slip into the first stage or back into bed w the man who dumped her because 'things are different this time'. This girl will go out and live the party life to not think about the break up. She is likely to practice the 'To get over your ex you gotta get under ya next' mantra. Not a hoe, just some hoe decisions...and we ain't gonna judge em, they ain't on trial. *daps all rappers*

The Bitter Single Girl - Ahh! Let's have a moment of silence for this girl. *bows head* I will break this one up into two categories: The Preacher & The Closet Bitter Girl.

The Preacher - You don't even have to ask this girl any questions cause she is already talking about who did her wrong and how many times she fucked up his car. Her preferred method of denial is to bash every man in her world, your world and ya mammas world...even ya daddy ain't shit to this girl. Shes the girl you want to tell to shut the FUCK up. It's a real cry for attention and just a passing phase but it's annoying as fuck. Her bitter partners in crime enable her behavior with 'Yes, girl. He AINT shit. You need a bat?'. Actually, these girls dont need enablers, they just go off alone. They are their own fuel. Like I said, this is just a cry for attention and this won't last too long. This girl will break down and cry one day and allow herself to go through the mourning process of a breakup or she will start a new relationship prematurely and punish the new guy for all the things the old guy did. It's just a recipe for disaster. Girls in this stage don't really realize it, don't feel strong enough to snap out of it. Pride is a strong and enabling factor in this stage.

The Closet Bitter Girl - This could be any girl. Could be you, shit sometimes it's me, depending on what we are talking about & what day of the month it is (not gonna lie). This girl has been hurt as we all have, she may have mastered some coping methods, she's over a few things but still hasn't fully answered all the questions regarding the break up. Questions which keep her guarded and defensive when it comes to new relationships. She's the girl who can think of a positive outcome but can also think of a million ways for something to not work out. She has hope but reality crushes her romantic dreams. Initially, this girl seems like she's genuinely single but after a few conversations, you can tell she's been through it and is still looking for closure. More hopeful than The Preacher, but in a darker place emotionally. Again, only a phase...but, approach w caution (may flip to uber emo single girl when alcohol is ingested).

The Emotionally Unavailable Single Girl- A step in the right direction, just not there yet*. She has been through the sad and angry stages of single-ness and has accepted the terms of the break up but is still not ready to open up emotionally w anyone. This girl is likely to pass up genuine, good guys. She also had a high probability in being a closet-bitter. She's really just not ready & recognizes that, let her be.

The Ride or Die but Single, Girl. - Ride or die, right here. Even when he ain't w her, she rides for him til the death. This girl was dumped but fed hope that one day 'when he gets his shit together' they gonna be right back. She is single and open to getting involved w new people but when the ex is ready, she is willin to drop anyone for him. She is dumb (in this stage) and usually deserving of more than the man she is settling for but you can't tell her nothin. She often blames herself for the bullshit he does and is willing to sacrifice her lifestyle to accommodate his needs/demands. She is stuck in a cycle whether she realizes it or not. Usually the 'in between men' are better than 'the guy' but will never compare (or win) because she will stay commited to the history and the hope of a happy ending. Sometimes these girls are open and conscious about this, sometimes they are not...THOSE girls toggle between this stage and The Preacher or Hurt Stage. Every week is a new roller coaster of emotions.

The 'Im Single, but..' Single Girl - Anyone who is emotionally involved with someone mutual or not is IN a relationship, dont debate me. She meets new guys and compares them to the one she is mentally and/or physically committed to. In this stage, a girl usually asks herself 'Why not me?' while the man she wants is pursuing another or while her homegirls are boo'd up in the club. She is most likely in a fake relationship with a real single man who has no idea she has relationship expectations of him & just thinks of her as an option. When she realizes this she will drown in vodka & adele & go through the stages too...till then, NEXT!

The (real) Single Girl, Forreal- *sigh of relief* my favorite! (hey girls!) The beauty of being alone and enjoying yourself, cooking for one and loving it, flirting, dating, sexing when you want & you call the shots. You get it when you want it but you never need it. They have been thru most/all of the previous stages and somewhere along the way the lightbulb went off or they hit rock bottom and built themselves back up. The beauty in the breakdown I am always talking about is evident in this stage. It's beautiful. Emotionally smart & open, at peace with all the ghosts of breakups past and knowing what she wants out of the next relationship but focusing on bettering herself. It's possible to bounce into this stage sometimes when your non relationship is rocky, but only briefly until she is fully over that non relationship, she will not experience the magic of this final stage. As with all the stages, it's temporary. She won't be single forever, maybe she won't be single ever again...maybe she will & it will hurt again, but it will heal again too.

That's my take on the wild & wonderful journey of single women. Whether it is by choice or you are still playing 'MASH' and hoping he sees every sub-tweet on ya timeline, you are single & fit into at least one single girl stage (if not more). It's far from a bad thing & a great opportunity you can take advantage to find out how YOU contributed to past broken relationships, review your flaws, forgive #him & truly move forward. If not for him, then for you. It's a new year, after all...

Which single girl are you? I'd love to hear your reactions/feedback/journeys! Thank you for reading!

2011

what a year it has been, crazy to say the least. amazing, eye opening, core shaking, lowest of lows...highest of highs. the past 365 days have tested me beyond anything else in my adult* life. from living 6 hours away for a job that i ended up hating, to landing the job that answered all my wishes & moving back to new jersey. from starting the year broken, in love, hopeful, and committed to something/one who only existed in my head (see post; 'the non relationship, relationship). hitting rock bottom & slowly building me back up (still building). it has definitely been the first year i have been able to look within & say 'you need to change because this* is not working', i won't say i have completely changed but progress has been made...a foundation laid for 2012 and years to come, the 'adult' me. it has been a year of reflection & realizations...so here we are at the last night of the year. who knows if we will be here next year, if the mayans were right or if my calendar will end before that. destiny.

i have gained a new respect and appreciation for friendship, love and relationships. i have TRULY learned that only i can make changes in my life, no matter what is handed to me. i have learned that i can get whatever i want, as long as i am willing to put the work in. i have learned the beauty is in the breakdown and the true lessons are in the depths of struggle. i won't say 2012 will be 'my year', but it will be a more conscious one. i plan on making changes one day at a time, even if that means hitting the snooze button only once* in the morning to get a earlier start to my day (snooze button struggle, REAL!) . i do* have some personal resolutions i choose not to share with the world. if you don't believe in resolutions, i hope you still believe in room for change, growth and progress. every day is a new beginning, clean slate and opportunity to start the rest of your life. whether it be those last 20lbs you've been trying to lose, that book you've been meaning to write or that car you been saving up to buy...i hope 2012 brings you closer to your finish line and sets you up for the bigger prize, whatever that means to you.

do something that makes you happy every day. take an hour of your week & dedicate it solely to you. sleep in on sundays and party like a college kid once a month (or so ;)). motivate your friends. smile at strangers (even in new york city). laugh until you cry. and when you're feeling like this world is giving you too much...give back. if you're reading this far, thank you...and happy new year from the bottom of my little bunnie heart. <3

Monday, December 26, 2011

Beauty in the Breakdown.


(wrote this sometime in July, before I had a this blog. read, share, marinate in it & enjoy)
There is a false and dangerous assumption in society that the man in a relationship is the cause of the break up. In every relationship there are two people (at least), two personalities, two visions, two sets of expectations, therefore two servings of responsibility & accountability for actions and effects and how they affect both parties. A lot of times, I see girls talking about how a man did her wrong, cheated, lied, faked the whole relationship & yes, thats wrong. No one should do that to another person, BUT in many cases these statements bashing men are made with the belief that women are flawless and the only positive contribution to the relationship. When I see women talk like this, I know it’s a form of denial, to cover the heartbreak and to avoid placing blame on herself. The fear of looking in the rear view mirror and admitting you could have done a few things differently. 
People often disguise their sadness with anger. Why are we so scared to show off our hurt, our tears...but its so easy to bash and brag about how angry we are, airing out all of his dirty secrets. Why cant we just say ‘Im really hurt about this, I wish I had someone to talk to or I need an outlet to vent’ its okay to cry to talk to repeat it over and over again until its out & you can move on to the next stage of the ‘moving on’ process. Women actually lower themselves to a level of ‘ugly’ when they talk badly about these men they once loved and honestly still love (you’re not fooling anyone).
We all have flaws, we bring those flaws with us in every relationship. If you are a woman telling yourself you are single because of how men are, what they do or anything like that…take a step back and realize you are analyzing everyone but yourself. Think about your last relationship and think about why it ended. If you don’t know then you can make a list of possibilities, with each possibility ask yourself ‘how did I help that situation, how did I hurt that situation?’. If you DO know why your last relationship ended, internalize it (in a healthy way). For example, cheating. Cheating and lying is wrong and the ultimate form of disrespect but if this happens you you over and over again, you are the common demoninator and you should look into that. Think about what drove him to cheat? Very few men cheat because they feel like fucking a new girl, its never okay but there is usually a reason.
We stay in the same situations because we fail to learn from our past mistakes and we rather go with what is comfortable even when it is not comfortable or healthy for our emotional well being. Its painful to analyze how YOU affect a situation in a negative way, its painful to place blame on yourself, but it brings great rewards. Staying in a negative situation is adding to your destructive cycle even when you are doing nothing at all. The fear of the unknown will only keep you hurt, healing the same wounds for years. 
True change comes with evaluating yourself and taking accountability for what you can change. Saying to yourself ‘This is what I do, this is the effect of it, I don’t want that effect so I need to change it…’. This is hard to do, especially with our subconscious mind and comfort having a huge magnetic attraction to each other.
I hate seeing women in such negative places & not admitting ‘Im HURT, HELP’. Face the hurt head on and cry. Its okay. Take responsibility for your half of the failed relationship, fix what you can and execute the lessons learned on the next guy. That’s the best you can do.
Not every ex wants you back, not every ex is the devil’s spawn, not every ex is scum of the earth. They may not want you back, you know what? That is okay cause that relationship didn’t work for YOU anyway! Grow from the break up, appreciate for the lessons you learned with him and move on. We have to learn how to appreciate people even when they are evil and hurt us. They break us down and strip us of our pride, dignity & self worth at times but like spring you can come back better, fresher, brighter, stronger, with a healthier love in you. 

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Non Relationship, Relationship.

Too often, I find myself in conversations with other women about men they are dating, but 'not dating'. What? You know, the safe zone of not friends but if shit ever hit the fan and someone were to catch feelings the 'we are just friends' line is still applicable. Once upon a time, I disagreed with the existence of this 'zone'. Either it was or it wasn't, whats so difficult? RIGHT? wrong. It is alive and well, and used way more often than the words 'Would you like to be my girlfriend?'. Unfortunately, women in this predicament take on the role of a girlfriend and start believing they actually are in relationships, so they subconsciously believe they are wives (it sounds crazy & delusional, but its real).
I am writing this post for those girls, the girls that find a man with all the characteristics of the man they have built in their heads, dreams and wedding fantasies. Only thing wrong with this man is he doesn't want to commit. But he is in your phone and on your mind, daily and on the weekends, in your bed...eating up your home cooked meal and soaking in your love. At first, you tell yourself 'this is nothing, you can do this, just have fun' while your subconscious is yelling 'IF YOU ACT LIKE HIS GIRL, HE WILL SEE YOU ARE CAPABLE AND THE LIGHT BULB WILL GO OFF IN HIS HEAD. HE WILL WANT TO COMMIT.'.  *sigh*
'...after all we were just friends. Although, in my world i was his girl so I would pretend to be his wife. Saying shit like "Its only so many years in a woman's life"...so I gave him 3' -Dana Gilmore

In preparing this post, my question was 'Why do we do that? that's so stupid!' Why do we put the domino pieces all in line with daily texts, 'good morning, baby's', free favors, unlimited sex, loyalty and commitment, you did not agree on to just have him say one day 'I told you I didn't want a relationship' or the torturous silent treatment that knocks those domino pieces down quicker and louder than any break up conversation you could ever have. Why do we make it so easy to be dumped in non relationships? Yesterday this came up on my timeline via a RT:
"The awkward moment when you are trying to get over someone you weren't even in a relationship with"  
Ain't that the TRUTH!? In my opinion, love is a beautiful thing to feel, even temporarily. The adrenaline rush from love is enough to go a week longer in any kind of non committal relationship in hopes that they will love you for real one day and all will be right in the world. I mean, who would deny attention? who would deny a home cooked meal? who would deny sex? Its not that they are not attracted you, they are. They may even see themselves with a woman like you, they even acknowledge how good a woman you are and appreciate all your good deeds. The real question is how much are YOU willing to do with no reciprocity, no promise to stay and for how long are you willing to do this. Where do you draw the line and say 'Im doing this because I want to but I need you to want to be with me, only me'. Ladies, that is not a selfish question and you are not wrong for wanting to be the only one. You are wrong in thinking you are the only one, trying to be the only one. (cc: Aubrey). Why would you think to be the only one when that agreement was never made and if you are attracted to this man, why wouldn't other women be too?

You have to understand yourself to know what you are willing to do without a commitment and what you need a commitment in order to do. Don't go around here giving full time benefits to a part time lover and expect him to put in overtime. You have to understand that just because YOU are willing to do something, does not mean he is. If you find yourself frustrated after doing some nice shit for him because you feel unappreciated or neglected then maybe you need to reevaluate what you said you wanted when this 'non relationship' began. Maybe those expectations changed as time went on and feelings grew. That's okay, feelings are natural. Don't let anyone tell you you are wrong for feeling. 

Men are the silent contributors to this epidemic of the  'non relationship'. I mean, they know what they have to do to continue the 'non relationship' but they do not have to verbalize it. They continue the calling, conversations, occasional hang out sessions, maybe slip in a little 'Im so into you's'. Why? because they like the attention, like I said...who wouldn't?!  Most men know exactly what to say to keep a girl right where she is, close enough to keep an eye on but far enough to not have to commit. This sounds like the perfect plan, but it often fails for men. Failure which they also, don't verbalize often. Men catch feelings, too. Wait. Ill say that again...Men catch feelings, too. I mean, they are human. LOL. Men notice a good quality female, men experience the butterflies, men feel too. Men talk to their friends about all the things you did and the idea lives in their heads too of 'what if..', men get jealous, men miss you, they do. If you let them miss you, if you don't actually try to get the jealous (because that's wrong, don't do that). I'm not sure if it is the fear of commitment, the constant search of 'something better' or whatever else excuse they have as to why they do not give into these feelings but the majority of it is: "Why do I have to commit to something when I'm already getting all the loyalty, committing comes with?". Why pay full price when you have a free coupon that's valid everyday? In that sense, they are  right. Its when shit hits the fan that everyone is to blame and the issue is unavoidable. The fork in the road of 'We commit or We break up'. 

So, Ladies...before you give a man the full access pass to your entire life, love and commitment you have to ask yourself if that is what you want or if that is what you want him to want. Are you playing the girlfriend role because you want to or because you want to be his girlfriend? After he has told you he doesn't want a relationship, why are you convinced you are the exception to make him want one? In the end, you will only expend all your resources and be left back at one, in the same 'I just wanna be cool with you' conversation and feeling like you just broke up with your boyfriend of 8 years when you have only known him a few months. HELLO! The hardest part of a non-relationship is breaking up with the idea and hope of what you want with him, a relationship.

 
To stop something from happening in your life, a lot of times you just have to stop putting up with it. Stop going through the motions and believing in the what ifs and bring your feet back to the ground. What do you want? No, you are not wrong for loving him, falling for him, doing for him. All those things are consequences of the actions and feelings that have taken place in your 'non relationship'. If feelings didn't develop after spending time, sexing, and caring for someone..you wouldn't be human & I would be concerned. A lot of times we lose ourselves and forget to ask 'Why am I doing this?, What do I want from this?'. Ask yourself more often what you want, are you getting it and if you feel appreciated. If the answer is no, then there is someone out there waiting to give you what you want, love you and appreciate you. Don't keep him waiting. :) 


Sunday, December 11, 2011

the neighbor

So, today I was leaving my moms house to go to yoga class (hot yoga, so life changing) & the neighbor (young man, husband, 2 kids) says hi & as always I smiled & waved back. Now, we have never had a conversation prior to today, its always just a wave. I'm in my car and he gets into his and pulls up behind me. I thought that was so awkward but kept texting while my car warmed up. As I pull off, I notice he pulls off too and then he gets on the same highway, switches all the lanes I am switching, so now its getting a little awkward. We get to a red light and he pulls up next to me and tells me to pull over to the next gas station. My first thought was 'Is there something wrong with my car?'. I roll down my window at the gas station and he says 'Can we go inside the store because my son is in the car..' and he walks towards the store. I sat in my car for 3 seconds thinking 'What is going on?!?!?! Should I be scared? This is a public place, its okay. Just go.' So, I get in the store and he starts a regular ass conversation with me! As if he wasn't being a complete weirdo!!? The convo went like this: 

Him: hey, how are you?
Me: *long pause* I'm good, whats going on? 
Him: nothing, i just wanted to have a conversation with you but my son is in the car. If he sees me talking to you, he will tell his mother & we can't have that. 
Me: *stares* *jaw slightly dropped* ok. so...
Him: we just always wave at each other and i wanted to know if you wanted to be friends. you give off the vibe that you wanna be my friend. so, do you want to be friends? 
Me: no, i wave because you are my parents neighbor and thats the polite thing to do. i don't think we need to be friends. 
Him: are you in school? how old are you? you moved out right? your car is never there anymore..only sometimes. when are you coming around again? 
Me: umm. this is really weird. I'm 24, i moved. i won't be back for a while. 
Him: oh okay, so you're an adult. thats good. so do you wanna be friends? (as he pulls out his phone)
Me: theres no reason for us to be friends. your son is in the car, you have a WIFE at home...no reason for us to be friends. I have to go, I'm gonna be late...
Him: Oh, okay. well just make sure this stays between me and you because if my wife finds out...you know that will be a problem. 
Me: right. bye. 

*exits*

First of all, stalker? seriously. Why are you checking for me or my car like that!? No. Not okay. Second of all, lets be friends but not let tell your wife? What? No. HOW DARE YOU!? Third, YOU FOLLOWED ME FOR 2 MILES WITH YOUR SON IN THE CAR IN HOPES OF ME CATCHING THE BAIT! WHAT!? Fourth, I know who your wife is, I know where she lives, what car she drives, I watched your kids grow up, where is your dignity, bro!?

After this happened, I went about my day but it really bothered me, I kept thinking about things like 'Does his wife think she has a faithful, one woman man?' 'Will i ever find someone the opposite of that?' 'Im sorry for his family'. Its sad to me that families are built on lies, deceit and infidelity but here we are walking to an alter faking our vows and calling it 'til death do us part'. Am I part of an extinct set of morals and ideals? I would never think to pursue someone while I was in a relationship, let alone a marriage! That is disgusting. 

It hurts me that there are people like this man creating loving people into bitter people because he is living by a standard generalization of 'men aint shit'. I know a lot of good, hardworking, team LOVE men...but i would be lying to you if men like my neighbor didn't make me question those good men. Id be lying if I told you I didn't come home and as I told my father thought in my head 'Have you ever went outside your relationship with mommy?'. Its sad that we let the bad outweigh the good. I wish it didn't, but today was an example that it did. After thinking about it all day, I said to myself...'they ain't shit'. 

How are we ever going to be willing and open to love someone guards down, hearts open when the living examples all around us are telling us to love with a knife behind ya back (just in case)...? Its like the negative examples of love leave such lasting impressions on us blurring out the image my parents have raised me with, 24 years of hardworking, unconditional love. Is that fair? 

Well, thats what happened to me today..I wanted to share. I have to admit it shattered some of my enthusiasm for love but it hasn't killed it completely. 

Liz

Friday, December 9, 2011

No time for Love

Something ran past my twitter timeline last week that has been on my mind ever since; it went something like this..
"Men often say they can't commit to a relationship because they are focused on work right now while women make time for a job, a relationship and a social life..."
Is there really a difference in men and women making time for a relationship while maintaining a 'regular life'? or is it that anyone saying they can't have significant other at the moment because of *insert excuse here* just hasn't found someone worth committing to? Do we always have time to fit love in? Do WOMEN tend to make time for love, make love a priority in their already packed schedules. Sometimes, I forget to call my mother back, but I admit I rarely forget to text that 'boo' back. I know I have used  this line many times and have actually believed it. Since I read this tweet, I came to the realization that if the right person wanted to commit to me & asked me to do the same, I would. I would make time for that, and grad school, and work, and my family, friends, sleep, hobbies, etc. So, is this just something we say when we don't find all the qualities we think we are looking for in 'the one'? Who wants to waste their time, spending time...right?  How long are you going to say you can't cause you don't have time..until time actually runs out? When all the potentials have committed elsewhere, and you finally 'have time' to fall in love...

I have come to the conclusion that love, like life and death doesn't give a damn about your schedule, your time constraints or your 4 o'clock meeting that you 'cant miss'. In love, you will sit in that meeting and not know about anything being discussed, why? cause your mind is still cuddling in bed your boo. Love grows on its own and creeps up in us as we water it daily with cute messages back and forth, chill sessions, deep conversations, hilarious jokes, dates, dinners, randomness. What did you expect was going to happen? Lets be serious, we spend more time convincing ourselves we are not falling than the time it took to fall. Why? Whats so scary? (Everything, actually) but, at the end of the day...in our mid-twenties, we've survived a few heartbreaks and have bounced back, which is why we are here again, hopefully to stay in love this time, but maybe not. On that same token, Love doesn't care that you are comfortable and enjoying the life you've built with a lover, Love will leave when it wants too. Having you wondering 'What happened? How did we get here?'. It has surprised me many times with its departure, and in retrospect I can say it was never late, it always left on time.

The 'bullshit' about all of this is pride and the toxic trend of 'falling in love is for the weak'. The idea of having one lover is weak and having multiple is a sign of strength, independence and confidence. I am not sure if this is something specific to our generation, but it is very common now. The same people who say they don't have time for a relationship, spend most nights of the week with different lovers. So, really...the time is there because you are spending it, the problem is you'd rather spend it with not just one. Its not about a job or a crazy schedule...its about a will. Where there is a will there is a way. Sadly, too many of us (yes, myself included)...will use anything in our lives to push away what might be Love. We spend too much time thinking about the times we were left alone and hurt and not enough time thinking about that day you realized you loved them, or the mornings waking up next to them. We don't think about how GOOD it can feel because we are too guarded.

Your job will still be there, your family will be happy if you're happy, your social life will still be amazing, if it feels right don't stop it with silly hypotheticals based on past lovers. Take a hit of love, close your eyes and let your self go...the worst that can happen is you wake up.

Liz