Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Know Your Worth.

Before I go into this post, I will say it has been a long time since I've blogged. I have said, I dont talk about things on the internet that I am not ready to move on from. Once I deal with my own feelings appropriately, I can share, get feedback, and discuss. With that said, 2012 (& the tail end of 2011) has been a series of emotional tests that have forced me to face some demons. I have conquered many personal challenges and now am confident in them to share. Welcome back.

I stopped answering the question of 'Do you see yourself with him forever?' because to be honest, I see myself with everyone Im with 'forever'. Im that* kind of lover. If I like you, I love you & if I want it, I need it. One of the greatest lessons I've learned is -- letting go is okay, not every guy is forever. Letting go is therapeutic, necessary and many times an inevitable part of the relationship cycle. In my 20-something years, that has been my biggest challenge, letting go. I don't know if it is pride or passion but its just...when you want something (read: someone) so much & are willing to give so much of yourself just effortlessly...its hard to let go of that hope. But there comes a time when you realize your energy is going towards potential that will never be reached and your efforts are in vain.

[Exhibit A]So, I was seeing a guy for a few months. Initially, it was two people hitting it off, going out, boo lovin' every night...till we started getting wrapped up in 'future' conversations (read: I started getting wrapped up..). He would tell me how he saw a future with me but it wasn't the right time. I translated this into we did have a future together, it would just take some time. Time I was willing to give (I knew better, I swear). Sometimes that caused a argument but honestly, I wasn't 100% sure I was ready for a relationship so we continued our non-relationship. Til one day, the demonic/wonderful world of facebook tells me he is in a relationship and mystery girl is expecting. So you know I called him...*fast forward those details* It was true. He had been in a relationship & the woman was pregnant. He claimed to 'genuinely have feelings for me but he got caught up in a fucked up situation'. No. You CREATED a fucked up situation when you allowed me into your life under the impression that you were single. So anyway, that ended...slowly but eventually. In the meantime, I was still trying to make the best of this situation...(still).

I found myself thinking 'What if he does want to be with me and its a genuine fucked up situation?' 'What if...this' 'What if...that' I literally would come up with every possible situation to make it potentially work for me when it just came down to...'Wake up, its not gonna work, cause you the only one that wants it to work!' And thats real, when you want someone, you're gonna make that known. In this situation, I was making it known, I was ready and available but he was not. I wasn't accepting that. Problem. Ladies, you have to accept what is being given to you because that is the only tools you have to work with. If a man is not giving you honesty, availability (physically or emotionally), consistency and compassion...what do you have to work with? Only what you are providing & that is not enough. No relationship ever prospered on a one way street.

So, I was dumb, hopeful, hurt, betrayed. I thought of every way possible to ruin his life with this woman (expecting his child) till I realized, none of it was worth it. He was living, he was a happy, father to be. I was the only one miserable. Why? So, I let it go. It wasn't effortless, it took lots of effort, lots of reminders. It's a process. Do I still think of him? Absolutely. Am I in a better place right now? Absolutely. But, more than to talk about my experience, this is more for the women in situations like this one or similar and thinking things will get better, things will change, honesty, love and consistency are on the Good people, love, energy and situations will not happen in your life if you are too busy nurturing the negative ones. If you asked me 'Do you see yourself with him forever?' at the time I was dealing with him, yes because thats what I was nurturing. In hind-sight, hell no, I deserve. But its THOSE experiences, lessons & heartbreaks that leave you to get to know yourself at the core of who you are and what you are worth truly is.

Do not deal with the bullshit. Know your worth and value it. Not for them, but for YOU.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

'Where You Been?'

Timing is essential when it comes to relationships and like clockwork, the one you want never wants you but when you've moved on from him to the next 'him' he's ready, now he's available and 'open'. How annoying!? RIGHT!? Its confusing, like, wait...why are you calling me so much now? why you wanna know how im doing? why you all in my life WILLINGLY now? whats up...sooner than later you realize, its not that they want you, its more of them not wanting you to be anyone else's.
"Look how you want me now, that I don't need you...So you thought that I'd crumble to my knees at the first sight of you crawling back to me to whisper 'when you leave your man...' cause you swear that this time you can, stand by me" -Adele 'I Found A Boy'
If you're anything like me, you give your all when you're into someone. Cause the hope in potential is enough to keep you trying and giving, till your spent. Yea yea, you try and tell yourself you won't make the same mistakes 'this time' and you try to keep the guard up a little longer, #him, new feelings, new faith, new hope, new love. Love is beautiful like that you know, it kind of replenishes itself to love like you've never been hurt when new hope (people) enter your life. So, when I give my all and am raw with my emotions, it hurts to feel it was all in vain and gone to waste. If you are* anything like me, it has* gone to waste in the past I'm sure you can say you have...mended the wounds yourself and let life's most reliable medicine, TIME heal you. Soon enough, someone new and amazing comes along and all of a sudden the old him wants to know where i been at? (excuse me?) it just makes you wanna say 'Let me tell you where I been at!' *clears throat*

"For the first few weeks after realizing I loved you and you just thought of me as disposable feelings to mooch off of whenever you* wanted...I was home probably, in bed, ignoring my friends, family and anyone else who cared cause I was so obsessed with you NOT loving me. I was in a trance of work (cause I had to) and sleep (to not think of you). After that passed, I thought the worst of it was over, so I kind of started socializing and caring again, I maybe put some make up on, put some effort in and went out a few nights. My friends were happy to see me smiling, but they knew you were still on my mind. (So now we are at month 2, post-you) & I wasn't thinking about you as much but the smallest reminders would bring you back to mind. So I worked on distractions, got back into my routine and actually enjoyed my days. You were on my mind less and less. (Approaching month 3) You were a distant memory and I was able to start thinking of you as a lesson rather than a waste of my time. Coincidentally, I met someone who took the time to get to know me, spend time with me, show me he was willing to open their heart to me because thats what I deserve, someone to be real with me and doesn't gimme all talk, no play. I've been spending my time on someone that will reciprocate effort consistently and with no superficial expectations in return. I've been busy with someone who isn't scared to show me off cause 'there might be someone better out there', someone who realizes, I AM the BEST thing out there. THATS where I've been, if you REALLY needed to know. NOW, what do YOU want from me?!" 

Misery loves company, people that are scared of love (ironically) need the most love, they can't stand seeing love that was once unconditionally given to them now being appreciated and distributed elsewhere. Its an ownership thing (ego), I think. Im sure many of you can relate to this experience, I hope it has brought you some laughs to see the ghosts of lovers past come knocking on your door again, I hope you are strong enough and in a better place at that time to recognize you are too good to be kept waiting for something you deserve and are willing to reciprocate, LOVE and no one has the right to put you on their shelf for when they are ready IF* no one better comes along. Don't settle & don't let anyone have you on the sidelines for when they are ready to settle.

Thanks for reading, Love.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

"But I Love Him"

In the midst of all the Steve Harvey theorist and twitter philosophers, women around the internet are stuck in lacking relationships giving no excuse why other than ‘..BUT I LOVE HIM!’ *side eye* Come on, now. This isn’t to come off as insensitive or unemotional, it’s the truth. Loving someone isn’t going to be enough to change the unhappy situation you are in. Obsessing over how things could be different is not going to actually make things change. Hoping he wont cheat again, isn’t going to stop him from cheating…again. Some women (and men) need to wake up and smell something, smoke something, whatever it takes to get you seeing things clearly again, for what they are.
What are you valuing in your relationship? The love, trust, and honesty or the tradition and longevity of it all? What actually matters? I know some people are in unhappy situations and know they deserve better but continue to put up with the bullshit just because its been *x amount* of years. This boggles my mind. How much do you hate yourself that you are okay with spending your life with someone who doesn’t make you 100% happy just because you’ve been with them since high school. Someone who in most cases has no respect for you, no loyalty to the relationship and acts single, ANYWAY. Why stay? Cause of the kids? Cause of the years? Cause the make up sex is that good? Cause of the memories? What is it!? When in the process of growing up and learning how to love and be loved does a person become okay with being emotionally trampled on over and over? When does it become okay for your worth to be sacrificed and ignored because of your partner’s shortcomings?
WOMEN are out here making too many damn excuses! There are reasons to stay in a relationship and work things out and then there are excuses to cover up you fears and insecurities. I have heard women blame themselves for why their man routinely steps out on their relationship, come on! Don’t stay in a relationship that you wouldn’t want your best friend to be in if the shoe was on the other foot. Don’t stay in a relationship that you’re having more make up sex than just plain old good sex. (Sex doesn’t have to be make up to be good, hello!) Don’t stay in a relationship because you don’t want them with anyone else, that’s selfish and dumb. Stop self reflecting and attempting to change yourself so much to the point that you have lost yourself, sometimes you cant change enough. You don’t have to be the one to change all the time. Its okay to say ‘I have tried, and you have not’ and expect work to be put in on the other end. Change in a relationship is a two way street.
Breaking up is hard to do, no doubt. But in many cases, it’s the best thing, the only thing left.  Ending a relationship is a serious of emotion and life changes to bring you to a new you. Be strong enough to allow that happiness into your life. Yes, you will miss them. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, you will constantly have to remind yourself ‘Did I make the right decision’. But before you run right back to the temporary love of an old lover ‘because you love them’…remember all the reasons why you left all those times, cried all those nights, remember to love you FIRST. Loving him and losing you is a lose/lose situation. Stop covering up your insecurities of being alone with the proclamation of 'but i love him' when that love left a long time ago.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Love or Loyalty

Are we looking for love or are we looking for loyalty? Loyalty kinda falls by the wayside when we get to talking about whats best* for all the parties involved. Its interesting to see how many people are begging for loyalty but they also value their 'options'. How are you begging me to be loyal to you but have women ready and willing to replace me? Men always want to justify this behavoir by assigning different roles to women but treating them all the same. For example, his 'Queen' may get most of if his physical time and affection but his side chick feels just as important...but he's loyal, right?

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Let It Go

Yesterday, my best friend and I got matching tattoos. While we both share an slight obsession for ink and art, I'd like to share a little about the meaning behind 'Let It Go'. A concept neither of us have mastered but, who ever will? One of the qualities I admire most about my friend (@bunnieface of twitter, btw) is her passion for love. In times where I would have probably spazzed on someone and their momma she remains calm, seems to think logically and moves on to something more positive. She never seems to fester over the what ifs, how comes, and hypotheticals of loves lost. I, on the other hand...wear my heart on my sleeve.

As we get older, I am able to understand that the true beauty of life is in letting things go, letting life happen the way it will and trusting that the universe will take care of you and your heart.
"Having total control over a situation is realizing you have no control at all.." -Scorpio Blues "Second Guessing"
If you're reading this thinking 'Yea, but..' or you've caught yourself thinking 'If I do this...' 'Things will be different when..' Just stop. Step outside of yourself and admit that the situation is out of your hands, you will never control feeling or actions that aren't your own. When you love hard, losing is harder. I know...imma hard lover. If I want you, I need you and there isn't really any in between. I'll never believe loving someone with all your heart and hoping for the best is something to be ashamed about, it's a brave quality to have. Oftentimes you're stripped down to raw feelings with no one willing to go the extra mile for you. Most times, hard love is reciprocated with underappreciating, self centered, scared lovers giving you less than what you truly deserve, modifying old promises to make them sound new but never kept.

Letting it go is realizing and accepting there is nothing else you can do about the situation to change the outcome. Sometimes we are so aware of our good intentions we are unable to understand how someone else* cant see them too? Beyonce wasnt playing in 'Why dont you love me?' LOL. If you love something, fight for it, give it your best fight, dont let your pride stop you from fighting but find a balance between fighting for a purpose and fight an already lost battle. Thats growth, thats mature, thats love. Its as simple as saying to yourself 'I loved, I fought, I lost, I'm still a good woman.' Its about not letting the failed attempts taint your love, jade your heart and poison your mind. Its easy to trash talk love and blame the past, your past moved on while you were still holding on. Challenge yourself to do the same. Let it go.

There is a time when your body and mind make a connection and the love you've been giving becomes exhausting. Tired of asking questions, tired of feeling less than, tired of comparing yourself, tired of trying, tired of fighting, tired of not being heard, tired of needs not being met, tired of promises unkept, tired.  Thats when you have to let it go. Let it go in order to hold on to your love, sanity and dignity. Im the least competitive person in this world (I can really care less who wins what) but, losing in LOVE?! Every game is the championship when you love love. You win some, you lose some...but no failed attempt should fade your heart so black it could never love again. Dont let the past hold you back, your love is more powerful than the pain of it not being reciprocated. Its just more challenging to see the power in love than the power in pain. Easier to cry, than to hold back the tears. Easier to give up than to love like you never been hurt. Don't do whats easy, LOVE.

Letting it go can mean anything to you, reading this. Maybe your challenges are about letting go of doubt in a current relationship, maybe you need to let go of doubting yourself, maybe you want to rid yourself of whatever it is keeping you up and thinking at night. Whatever it may be in your life, I hope you are able to recognize what the set back. Acknowledgement is the first step of change. You are a beautiful, amazing, able human being on the verge of reaching your highest potential as soon as you Let It Go.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Thirst & Thirstier

How many times a week do you read '#THETHIRST' on twitter, FB, etc...? Me, a million. Can't help but wonder how much attention these girls are actually getting or are they bragging about attention they wish they were getting, subconsciously hoping they'd get some...pun intended. Sometimes, I just want to ask to see the actual 'thirst', so I know its real..? But, seriously...I know there are men (& women) out there that do not take "No" for an answer and insist with the DMs, follows and constant compliments but at what point are we over diagnosing 'Thirst' and missing genuine interest and concern to get to know a deeper, realer you...not just your twitter handle or your fake FB name..?

Women are funny. If a man shows interest, he's thirsty. If a man shows no interest, he's stupid. What do we want? Can you blame him? Even if a man found a woman on the internet or in real life that he found gorgeous or just felt a connection with, he is at the mercy of possible public humiliation and rejection. No man is trying to risk that! No man is approaching you in hopes to become the laughing stock of a TL. So, really...lets kill the whole 'thirst' phenomenon. Meanwhile, you are calling him thirsty, you're sleeping next to hella pillows thinking of the last time someone occupied your bed with you. Why do women empower themselves by turning down men, potential partners, friends, lovers, husbands (yes, that still happens)? Not only do you turn them down but you dead make it a goal to shatter egos! Im always rooting for the women, but in this case, I can't get down with that. I'm not about shattering egos, self confidence and manhood. You shouldn't be either, ladies.

If a man is approaching you or contracting you to tell you how much he enjoys something about you, or he would like to take you out...thank him and keep it moving if you are not interested. Screenshotting and RT'ing that DM he sent you asking to chill for some twitter fame is equivalent to #him posting your pics on his TL to embarrass you. Tasteless and senseless...lets have respect for each other and appreciate the compliment. Women are out here acting like men owe them a compliment quota a week and shit, no. Call me crazy, but I don't know what to do with compliments. They make me uncomfortable and I don't have anything to say past 'Thank You', so Im likely to make a dumb joke and embarrass myself in the process. Now, if you're interested in the guy....then its not thirst. I've noticed this. If the female is interested in the inquiring male then she keeps it a secret, doesn't expose it to the world and plays along. So really, the determining factor of thirst is whether the recipient is interested or not. Not that they are 'Thirsty" but "Am I Thirsty?". Right?

Men, are less likely to expose female 'Thirst', I've noticed. For one, a woman kicking it to a man is 'hot' and (I'm sorry ladies, but..) men are smart. Whether you are interested or not, you keep her on good terms and friendly for a 'rainy day'. The one night his starting five ain't acting right, he might have some other options for entertainment, potentials. Potentials that women throw away everyday and then complain via lonely tweets and mystery #hims. Keep publicly slapping that thirsty hashtag on these dudes and thats just how you will stay, lonely and lonelier. In no time, no one will give you any of the attention you actually enjoyed because you're 'that girl that posted the screenshot'.

This internet behavior is equivalent to the pretty girls with the nasty attitudes in real life. You know, the girls with NO REASON to be mad, she just pretty as hell and wakes up mad? Yea, her. At first guys see it as a challenge, but after a few weeks, one wants to deal with that shit. Why would anyone sign up for misery, unhappiness and constant bashing sessions?! In my opinion, instantly classifying something as 'Thirst' is juvenile and petty. I mention all the time how many people I have met via social networks that have become friends to me, women and men. Im not on the internet to be a loner (I am a loner, though). Had I reached and 'exposed' some of my -now- male friends as 'Thirsty', I wouldn't have those friendships. Come to the realization that, hey...not every guy wants you. Not every man is trying to sleep with you. If you genuinely think that then, you have an issue. Id suggest you trace it back to where your view on men originated, probably somewhere in grade school. Think about it, before you jump off the Assumption Bridge to make an ass out of yourself and a man figure out if he is really 'Thirsty' or if its just you wanting to drown yourself in some internet attention via some more followers and a few RTs.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Great Love: Part 1

I speak a lot of about lessons in our lowest times, those have which fueled most of my posts and inspired me to grow into the woman I am today. As most women, I love me some Sex and the City & I often think about the episode where Charolette says we only have 2 great loves (I love that one). I've been waiting for a time to talk about my great love, the one who broke me down and built me up. Its been a long and twisty journey & I know some of you (reading) are/have/will be on this journey too. :)


It was 2008 (or 2009?) and the week of my birthday, My boyfriend of 2 years dropped me off after a wonderful birthday dinner and was going to work. About 30 minutes later, I got a text from him 'I don't want to be with you anymore, I'm sorry.'. -what- yes. exactly. I was confused but I stayed calm, put my phone down and continued what I was doing. We had broken up times before and this really didn't make sense at the time. I remember almost thinking I was dreaming, this just couldn't be happening to me. Not like this, not after everything we had been through, not in a text, not on my birthday week. No. Yes, It was happening, like this, after everything, to me, in a txt, on my birthday week.

Like many college students, I was in love with a man I was certain to spend the rest of my life with. My dreams were planned by 'We wills' & 'Us'. I had mapped out graduation dates and how soon after we'd be living together. I had a relationship with him, his son, his family, his extended family, his church, his job. Our lives had connected to become one, there was no way, I was living without this man. Well, you know what they say...all you need is a plan for God to laugh at you, right? Well, I was the joke. After our 2 years of LOVE, one text broke it down for me...he didn't wanna be with me, thats it. That night (and many many nights after), I tried getting him on the phone to talk about it and I was convinced I'd get him back (He was TRIPPIN! LOL) But hearing him on the phone after a few nights and many attempts to take it back to where I thought it was, it was apparent that he had mourned the break up long before it happened. It was over, for him and for me it had just began. Once I was at that realization, it was like glass shattered inside me, cutting up every ounce of life I had left and I was done for. Stripped of all my defenses and I honestly would have rather he killed me, I didn't want to live. Everyday was just like the last, maybe the sun was shining, maybe it was was warm out, I wouldn't know cause I didn't feel anything. Numb. Dead. Gone. His graduation came and my friends attended while I sat in my dark room listening to the roaring crowd as names were announced. We had been over for a while now and I was still lifeless. In those months, everything reminded me of him, everything was him, it was almost like he had been so imbedded in my life that my mind had the power to literally see his dark, sleek 6foot shadow anywhere. Every now and then I would forget that we weren't together and pick up the phone to call & his words echoed in my head 'I don't want to be with you.'. Nights, weeks & months passed...I was above water again, able to breathe. Sleep without crying, thoughts of him became less and less and before I knew it I was smiling more, again. I didn't know when I'd be ready to talk about it again without going back to that dark, lifeless place, but at least he wasn't haunting my day dreams and terrorizing my nights sleep. I saw a light, I felt the sun again.


I often look back at that relationship. I find myself comparing men to him, subconciously attracting men just like him. Men possibly able to reenact and substitute what he was in my life. Like I said, I had my life planned with this man. I was going to graduate college exactly a year after he did and our life was going to begin. I had taken on the role of wife and step mother, what was mine was his and if he couldnt get it, I was gonna find a way for him to have it. Cause thats what you do for ya man, right? Little did i know, I was giving everything and he was keeping it all and then some for himself.

He is my Great Love, he is still the one. The one who taught me the most I could ever learn about myself. He 'pledged' me in a sense. Once I stopped fighting his decision to end our relationship, I was broken. I didnt know who I was, where I belonged, why I was here, there, anywhere. I had given him my everything and had nothing left to give myself. I was banking on because I was a good woman and lover, he would always come back to me, want to be with me. False, while I thought it was all for certain and planned out, I had taken things for granted. I became all about him, became him in a way. So much that he went to look for the girl he fell in love with and I was gone. I lost myself, how could I have expected him to stay?

The one who silently, with his decision forced me to look within myself and see what I could have done better. I believe that is a large part in why it hurt so much, I was forced to say 'Liz, you're not perfect, there are things about you that no one will put up with, CHANGE' and I did, Im still a work in progress, but that initial eye opening heartbreak was what got the wheels going. I had to change. Love alone was not going to keep anyone, it won't. Putting up with his lifestyle and adopting it as your own to satisfy a man and keep a relationship will not guarantee a relationship to last. He opened my eyes to always putting my priorities first, having a dream for myself that is going to happen with or without a 'him'. As much as that broke me down, the break through was worth it. I would not be the me I am had that not happened, I am a firm believer in that. I would not be as hopeful in love as I am today, had I decided to stay bitter because he left me in a text message. It was deeper than that, Liz had left the building and I needed to get her back. He knew that I wasn't gonna find me with him still in the picture. It had to be done. I had to find the Liz I was, the Liz he fell in love with & modify her, not with him in mind but with me in mind. The cost to pay was, he wouldn't be there in the end, to see the final product. With Great Loves, comes great sacrifices.

He wont be the one I spend the rest of my life with, but he is definitely one I wont forget. The one who taught me how to love, how to get over it, and how to love again, better and healthier. Its easier to stay in vicious cycles of love holding on to a dream you once created for yourselves than to admit 'This is not working for me and I am not reaching my highest potential in this relationship'. I learned that just because a relationship doesn't last, doesn't mean it went to waste. I don't know how many 'Great Loves' we have in our lives, I don't want to believe there is a limit on those things but I am grateful to have experienced one of mine and am hopeful to see whats to be learned with my next great love.