Its Not You, Its Me

Its me. I know what I want and I wont be satisfied until I get it. So now, Ive decided in my sick & twisted mind, that I want you and of course its not the 'you' you think is ready to give me all I need. But I have seen the potential in you and Ive taken on the task of customizing it to fit me. Yea, I know..you didnt ask, you didnt agree, but the non verbal cues is what caught me. Roped me up & caught me like bait on a line and now Im stuck.

Stuck in this place where I know I should leave, but I stay. Dreams I should cease, but they remain. Conversations I should ignore, but I entertain. Stuck understanding exactly what I did to get me into this unemotional space, again. Its happened too many times before. Where I meet a suitor and start looking for suits that would suit him, in case. Stuck in disgust that such a smart, beautiful, creative, free spirit can sit home night after night wondering why one man in a world of many, would deny her. One man, of many...many I have fallen for and end the same..in the conversation of 'I dont want to hurt you, Im not trying to play games'. So, really..its not you, its me.

Its not you that wanted to be loved, me that yearns to love. Its not you that ran game, its me wanting to fall. Its not you not wanting to commit, its me committing. Committing to something make believe, to a contract not even signed, to the hope of one day falling for an idea, a man, that would dare falling for me. Its crazy, and probably untrue but trust me, I know its me...and not you.


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[ive had a lot of writing blocks lately, so i decided to just try 'writing whatevers on your mind'. this is a little -a lot- bold of me and disclosing but i believe no feeling is shared by one person alone in this world. so, i hope this speaks to someone, tickles someones heart or reminds you of how far you've come. regardless, thanks for reading and sharing.]

Lessons of Lovers Past

Have you told your Ex's 'Thank You', lately..?

After you get over your broken heart, you've seen the light and may or may not have found some one new, you should go back and thank your exes. Yep, thank them. Maybe not verbally (unless thats cool with you) but take a mental trip down memory lane and turn every argument into a lesson you learned about yourself and thank them. Whisper it into the universe and they will hear it, somehow. As much as we bash our exes and avoid reminiscent conversations of lovers past, without them we wouldnt be who we are now. Its like they are a part of our 'Love Resume'. Just like your professional resume, you should have something to say you've gained from each experience listed.

In every ones life there is that one that put in the dirty work. You were a self centered, tunnel visioned piece of heartless shit and someone* loved you enough (w no reciprocity, most likely) and sacrificed their sanity to show you how to love. A lot of times, it may come off as boasting, like, 'I made him who he is today, he's with her but I made him'. Thats not boasting, sometimes...its actually true. He may not have realized how fucked up he was living and loving until he left you (you left him, whatever).

So, lets say you were the one to 'change' him. You rolled up your sleeves, put your pride and dignity aside and put in the dirty work. The best example of this is when you see your ex 'bad boyfriend' flip the switch and become an amazing boyfriend in his next relationship. Its infruiating watching the man you fought so hard to change, be who you wanted him to be...with someone ELSE! The reason is simple, no one is going to change because you tell them to. People will only change when they are willing and ready, even when they know their actions are wrong and hurtful to the people around them. The sad truth is what I tweeted a few weeks ago (@cuuuupcake); 

Sometimes we try so hard to change people, we succeed and they turn into people we don't want anymore. 

We find ourselves with partners that have amazing potential and we take take on the task of having them reach this potential, sacrificing our sanity, love, and dignity in most cases and ignoring the crucial factor in change, will. Going back to my previous example, the relationship of a loyal woman to a cheating man. She forgives him time and time again and he keeps cheating, promising he will change someday because he really does 'love her'. She, seeing his potential and hoping for the best, stays until the day (years later) she can't take it anymore and leaves him. She is left bitter and broken while he will come to realize what he lost. Bam. SO! After he checks into marvins room a few times, attempts to get back what they had and realizes...he can't, he moves on into a new relationship, falls in love and does not make the same mistakes he used to because he has learned from his past. The new girl reaps the benefits of all the work, tears, and unreciprocated (is that a word?) love the ex girlfriend put in. Seriously, this shit happens all the time.

Why is it that when women are in new relationships, they tend to bring with them the negative baggage of the ex and men tend to bring in the positive outcomes from lessons learned? Is it that difficult for women to not dump ex offenses on new lovers? I see this all the time, bitter women in new relationships excusing their insecurities on 'well, the last guy...' while men are saying 'you know what, i don't want to miss out on a good thing again...' HELLO! This is a problem, ladies. We are only going to continue missing out on good men while the ex men take all the good baggage and positivity into their new relationships.

Forgiveness, in many cases has little to do with the offending party. He did you dirty months ago, you've been holding on to that grudge while he has forgiven himself and moved on. You should be able to asses any situation and forgive 'them' without needing a conversation with them. Closure IS possible by yourself. Stop waiting for him to pay you back all the work you put in to make him the man he is today, you're wasting precious time! You were strong enough to stay with someone and work for a vision you saw for them. Okay, it didnt work out as you planned, you were a strong woman for them, now its time to be a strong woman for yourself. Or are they more deserving of that than you are?! Please! I love the saying 'Holding a grudge is letting someone live in your head, debt free.' Ask yourself, Do they deserve your time? Thoughts? All converting into energy that ruins entire moods without them even having to speak to you, see you or do anything to you at all. Sometimes we get stuck on how bad they treated us in comparison to how they are living their lives now. First, you don't know how they are living their lives now because you are not a apart of their lives now. Second, take their lead! He seems happy after such a nasty break up you had? Why aren't you happy? He's doing fine without you? Why are you still unhappy!? (think about it). Third, believe that you made them the better person/lover/friend they are in the new relationship. Yes, you went through some shit. Yes, he put you through hell and now he is everything you wanted him to be just not with you. Instead of turning that into bitterness, turn it into lessons learned and positive energy for your next relationships. Unless you want to continue being the girl men realize they dont want to be with and the reason why he is a better, more honest man to the next girl. It's up to you.

Is THAT All You Have To Offer?!

How long is too long to wait for sex? How soon is too fast? I've debated this with many people and have explored many sides of the argument, most discussions are usually about girls blaming infidelities on him 'getting what he wanted & leaving' and guys constantly talking about wanting sex but shunning the girl who gives it up to anyone but them. Honestly, its too confusing for me to keep up with when the rules change everyday depending on who's menstrual cycle you are following. It all brings me to the question of,

why do we place SEX on the highest pedestal of what a relationship consists of? 

Let me say this before I explain myself; to each, their own. I chuckle hearing girls say 'No, he has to wait till the 3rd date' or 'We can't have sex until we are in a relationship' or 'I have a 3 month rule', thats fine...whatever works for you, boo...but lets set some things straight!  Lets take the '3 month rule' for example. In those 3 months of spending time with someone you are attracted to, usually you start trusting them, respecting them, confiding in them, there may be a sense of loyalty and mutual understanding with that person. All things building up to an awesome relationship, not found in everyone minus what can be found in everyone....sex. SO! you have spent 90 days with this man, Im betting on the fact that you have stopped yourself from hot and heavy make out sessions to not have sex and made all attempts to not break your 3 month rule. Is waiting 3 months for something that is natural to humans going to stop you or him from not wanting a relationship anymore or is your plan going to make him want a relationship MORE? Are you telling me that sex is THEE determining factor in which a person stays or leaves in an 'almost' relationship? Here is where I disagree.

Call me liberal, but sex...is basically like the bodega, its always open and available. Sometimes, on any corner at any hour of the night. If you think for one second that man you have waiting 3 months/dates/semesters to 'assure his loyalty' is not having the pussy handed to him in a text, tweet, DM, skyped, face timed & hand delivered to his house, you are sadly mistaken girl. If someone is attracted to you, they want to have sex with you, period. As civilized and advanced as we are, sexual attraction is one thing we have not surpassed. It is a very basic concept, we are mammals and our natural instincts tell us to have sex. Its this patriarchal society that has poisoned us with the subconscious punishment if we happen to be women AND promiscuous. (but this is not about patriarchy, this is about putting your pussy on a pedestal.)

Women have the nerve to argue that they will not sleep with a man they are attracted to until he takes them on *this many* dates over a 3-6month period but they are not prostitutes. Ma'am, you are placing a price on your pussy, we have a market for that & its not called dating. Like my good friend Nick (@inthenickoftime) jokes 'Dating is organized prostitution'. My only problem with this is women are failing to realize that in that time, in all the conversations you are having, feelings developing, you are exchanging things more valuable than sex in a relationship. You are developing what a relationship actually is based on, but are turning around and dismissing him when he wants to have sex with you. 'He just trying to fuck me', well guess what, so are you! (but after he proves himself with the time/money he spends on you). Wanting sex is not a bad thing, it is the most natural thing your body can do. Besides, breathing & shit. Literally.

Am I making sense? You can't tell someone 'I can give you my time, trust, loyalty, conversation but i will deny you sex because you have to wait for that' What? After that, you want him to think of you as more than just sex when he's basically putting in the work to get sex? How about he works for the things that don't come naturally. How about you make him work for your loyalty, not everyone deserves that. How about you make him wait for your trust, the you you hide from most people? Sex? he can get that anywhere, odds are he's not waiting for you without dipping into the next bitch. Loyalty, Honesty, Love, Trust....those are qualities worth waiting for that hes NOT going to find in every girl.

I am making sense. The proof is in all the times you have made a man wait MONTHS for sex...and afterwards he, just like any dude you let smash on the first night...is out the door and never to be seen again. Like Ms. Davey Jones (@_daveybaby) said:

"Sexual chemistry is just as important as anything else when dating someone. So you wait 90 days, what happens when he plays you on the 91st day, after the sex?"

Now you're all heartbroken because you were wide open (emotionally) but too naive to see that you opening your legs had nothing to do with his intentions of staying or leaving. He was going to get what he wanted and leave regardless of what the timeline looked like, you made the decision to give him all of YOU before you had sex with him, now you're hurt. Story sound familiar, yet?

My point is, stop acting like your sex is the only thing worth waiting for and thats the best thing you have to offer as a woman. You have better, more admirable and unique qualities than sex to offer a man. Stop denying yourself the natural instinct of wanting to have sex because he will not stay with you or because the next girl will think you are a 'hoe'. He will not stay with you with or without sex because he does not want to stay with you. He will cheat on you because he is a cheater, not because you had sex with him on the first or 15th night. Making sex the finish line in a beginning of a new relationship is saying you are willing to be wide open emotionally and personally with him but that is not worth as much as opening your legs. Men will respect you as long as you respect yourself, ask them. Men will acknowledge a self respecting woman that wants to have sex and an honest man will be honest with her. Like I said, a liar and a dog will be a liar and a dog whether you bussit wide open on the 1st night or the 78th night, that does not determine who you are...it shows you who they are. Accept that, keep respecting yourself and keep it moving.