Before I go into this post, I will say it has been a long time since I've blogged. I have said, I dont talk about things on the internet that I am not ready to move on from. Once I deal with my own feelings appropriately, I can share, get feedback, and discuss. With that said, 2012 (& the tail end of 2011) has been a series of emotional tests that have forced me to face some demons. I have conquered many personal challenges and now am confident in them to share. Welcome back.
I stopped answering the question of 'Do you see yourself with him forever?' because to be honest, I see myself with everyone Im with 'forever'. Im that* kind of lover. If I like you, I love you & if I want it, I need it. One of the greatest lessons I've learned is -- letting go is okay, not every guy is forever. Letting go is therapeutic, necessary and many times an inevitable part of the relationship cycle. In my 20-something years, that has been my biggest challenge, letting go. I don't know if it is pride or passion but its just...when you want something (read: someone) so much & are willing to give so much of yourself just effortlessly...its hard to let go of that hope. But there comes a time when you realize your energy is going towards potential that will never be reached and your efforts are in vain.
[Exhibit A]So, I was seeing a guy for a few months. Initially, it was two people hitting it off, going out, boo lovin' every night...till we started getting wrapped up in 'future' conversations (read: I started getting wrapped up..). He would tell me how he saw a future with me but it wasn't the right time. I translated this into we did have a future together, it would just take some time. Time I was willing to give (I knew better, I swear). Sometimes that caused a argument but honestly, I wasn't 100% sure I was ready for a relationship so we continued our non-relationship. Til one day, the demonic/wonderful world of facebook tells me he is in a relationship and mystery girl is expecting. So you know I called him...*fast forward those details* It was true. He had been in a relationship & the woman was pregnant. He claimed to 'genuinely have feelings for me but he got caught up in a fucked up situation'. No. You CREATED a fucked up situation when you allowed me into your life under the impression that you were single. So anyway, that ended...slowly but eventually. In the meantime, I was still trying to make the best of this situation...(still).
I found myself thinking 'What if he does want to be with me and its a genuine fucked up situation?' 'What if...this' 'What if...that' I literally would come up with every possible situation to make it potentially work for me when it just came down to...'Wake up, its not gonna work, cause you the only one that wants it to work!' And thats real, when you want someone, you're gonna make that known. In this situation, I was making it known, I was ready and available but he was not. I wasn't accepting that. Problem. Ladies, you have to accept what is being given to you because that is the only tools you have to work with. If a man is not giving you honesty, availability (physically or emotionally), consistency and compassion...what do you have to work with? Only what you are providing & that is not enough. No relationship ever prospered on a one way street.
So, I was dumb, hopeful, hurt, betrayed. I thought of every way possible to ruin his life with this woman (expecting his child) till I realized, none of it was worth it. He was living, he was a happy, father to be. I was the only one miserable. Why? So, I let it go. It wasn't effortless, it took lots of effort, lots of reminders. It's a process. Do I still think of him? Absolutely. Am I in a better place right now? Absolutely. But, more than to talk about my experience, this is more for the women in situations like this one or similar and thinking things will get better, things will change, honesty, love and consistency are on the horizon...no. Good people, love, energy and situations will not happen in your life if you are too busy nurturing the negative ones. If you asked me 'Do you see yourself with him forever?' at the time I was dealing with him, yes because thats what I was nurturing. In hind-sight, hell no, I deserve. But its THOSE experiences, lessons & heartbreaks that leave you to get to know yourself at the core of who you are and what you are worth truly is.
Do not deal with the bullshit. Know your worth and value it. Not for them, but for YOU.
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