Lessons of Lovers Past

Have you told your Ex's 'Thank You', lately..?

After you get over your broken heart, you've seen the light and may or may not have found some one new, you should go back and thank your exes. Yep, thank them. Maybe not verbally (unless thats cool with you) but take a mental trip down memory lane and turn every argument into a lesson you learned about yourself and thank them. Whisper it into the universe and they will hear it, somehow. As much as we bash our exes and avoid reminiscent conversations of lovers past, without them we wouldnt be who we are now. Its like they are a part of our 'Love Resume'. Just like your professional resume, you should have something to say you've gained from each experience listed.

In every ones life there is that one that put in the dirty work. You were a self centered, tunnel visioned piece of heartless shit and someone* loved you enough (w no reciprocity, most likely) and sacrificed their sanity to show you how to love. A lot of times, it may come off as boasting, like, 'I made him who he is today, he's with her but I made him'. Thats not boasting, sometimes...its actually true. He may not have realized how fucked up he was living and loving until he left you (you left him, whatever).

So, lets say you were the one to 'change' him. You rolled up your sleeves, put your pride and dignity aside and put in the dirty work. The best example of this is when you see your ex 'bad boyfriend' flip the switch and become an amazing boyfriend in his next relationship. Its infruiating watching the man you fought so hard to change, be who you wanted him to be...with someone ELSE! The reason is simple, no one is going to change because you tell them to. People will only change when they are willing and ready, even when they know their actions are wrong and hurtful to the people around them. The sad truth is what I tweeted a few weeks ago (@cuuuupcake); 

Sometimes we try so hard to change people, we succeed and they turn into people we don't want anymore. 

We find ourselves with partners that have amazing potential and we take take on the task of having them reach this potential, sacrificing our sanity, love, and dignity in most cases and ignoring the crucial factor in change, will. Going back to my previous example, the relationship of a loyal woman to a cheating man. She forgives him time and time again and he keeps cheating, promising he will change someday because he really does 'love her'. She, seeing his potential and hoping for the best, stays until the day (years later) she can't take it anymore and leaves him. She is left bitter and broken while he will come to realize what he lost. Bam. SO! After he checks into marvins room a few times, attempts to get back what they had and realizes...he can't, he moves on into a new relationship, falls in love and does not make the same mistakes he used to because he has learned from his past. The new girl reaps the benefits of all the work, tears, and unreciprocated (is that a word?) love the ex girlfriend put in. Seriously, this shit happens all the time.

Why is it that when women are in new relationships, they tend to bring with them the negative baggage of the ex and men tend to bring in the positive outcomes from lessons learned? Is it that difficult for women to not dump ex offenses on new lovers? I see this all the time, bitter women in new relationships excusing their insecurities on 'well, the last guy...' while men are saying 'you know what, i don't want to miss out on a good thing again...' HELLO! This is a problem, ladies. We are only going to continue missing out on good men while the ex men take all the good baggage and positivity into their new relationships.

Forgiveness, in many cases has little to do with the offending party. He did you dirty months ago, you've been holding on to that grudge while he has forgiven himself and moved on. You should be able to asses any situation and forgive 'them' without needing a conversation with them. Closure IS possible by yourself. Stop waiting for him to pay you back all the work you put in to make him the man he is today, you're wasting precious time! You were strong enough to stay with someone and work for a vision you saw for them. Okay, it didnt work out as you planned, you were a strong woman for them, now its time to be a strong woman for yourself. Or are they more deserving of that than you are?! Please! I love the saying 'Holding a grudge is letting someone live in your head, debt free.' Ask yourself, Do they deserve your time? Thoughts? All converting into energy that ruins entire moods without them even having to speak to you, see you or do anything to you at all. Sometimes we get stuck on how bad they treated us in comparison to how they are living their lives now. First, you don't know how they are living their lives now because you are not a apart of their lives now. Second, take their lead! He seems happy after such a nasty break up you had? Why aren't you happy? He's doing fine without you? Why are you still unhappy!? (think about it). Third, believe that you made them the better person/lover/friend they are in the new relationship. Yes, you went through some shit. Yes, he put you through hell and now he is everything you wanted him to be just not with you. Instead of turning that into bitterness, turn it into lessons learned and positive energy for your next relationships. Unless you want to continue being the girl men realize they dont want to be with and the reason why he is a better, more honest man to the next girl. It's up to you.