Its Not You, Its Me

Its me. I know what I want and I wont be satisfied until I get it. So now, Ive decided in my sick & twisted mind, that I want you and of course its not the 'you' you think is ready to give me all I need. But I have seen the potential in you and Ive taken on the task of customizing it to fit me. Yea, I know..you didnt ask, you didnt agree, but the non verbal cues is what caught me. Roped me up & caught me like bait on a line and now Im stuck.

Stuck in this place where I know I should leave, but I stay. Dreams I should cease, but they remain. Conversations I should ignore, but I entertain. Stuck understanding exactly what I did to get me into this unemotional space, again. Its happened too many times before. Where I meet a suitor and start looking for suits that would suit him, in case. Stuck in disgust that such a smart, beautiful, creative, free spirit can sit home night after night wondering why one man in a world of many, would deny her. One man, of many...many I have fallen for and end the same..in the conversation of 'I dont want to hurt you, Im not trying to play games'. So, really..its not you, its me.

Its not you that wanted to be loved, me that yearns to love. Its not you that ran game, its me wanting to fall. Its not you not wanting to commit, its me committing. Committing to something make believe, to a contract not even signed, to the hope of one day falling for an idea, a man, that would dare falling for me. Its crazy, and probably untrue but trust me, I know its me...and not you.


-

[ive had a lot of writing blocks lately, so i decided to just try 'writing whatevers on your mind'. this is a little -a lot- bold of me and disclosing but i believe no feeling is shared by one person alone in this world. so, i hope this speaks to someone, tickles someones heart or reminds you of how far you've come. regardless, thanks for reading and sharing.]

Lessons of Lovers Past

Have you told your Ex's 'Thank You', lately..?

After you get over your broken heart, you've seen the light and may or may not have found some one new, you should go back and thank your exes. Yep, thank them. Maybe not verbally (unless thats cool with you) but take a mental trip down memory lane and turn every argument into a lesson you learned about yourself and thank them. Whisper it into the universe and they will hear it, somehow. As much as we bash our exes and avoid reminiscent conversations of lovers past, without them we wouldnt be who we are now. Its like they are a part of our 'Love Resume'. Just like your professional resume, you should have something to say you've gained from each experience listed.

In every ones life there is that one that put in the dirty work. You were a self centered, tunnel visioned piece of heartless shit and someone* loved you enough (w no reciprocity, most likely) and sacrificed their sanity to show you how to love. A lot of times, it may come off as boasting, like, 'I made him who he is today, he's with her but I made him'. Thats not boasting, sometimes...its actually true. He may not have realized how fucked up he was living and loving until he left you (you left him, whatever).

So, lets say you were the one to 'change' him. You rolled up your sleeves, put your pride and dignity aside and put in the dirty work. The best example of this is when you see your ex 'bad boyfriend' flip the switch and become an amazing boyfriend in his next relationship. Its infruiating watching the man you fought so hard to change, be who you wanted him to be...with someone ELSE! The reason is simple, no one is going to change because you tell them to. People will only change when they are willing and ready, even when they know their actions are wrong and hurtful to the people around them. The sad truth is what I tweeted a few weeks ago (@cuuuupcake); 

Sometimes we try so hard to change people, we succeed and they turn into people we don't want anymore. 

We find ourselves with partners that have amazing potential and we take take on the task of having them reach this potential, sacrificing our sanity, love, and dignity in most cases and ignoring the crucial factor in change, will. Going back to my previous example, the relationship of a loyal woman to a cheating man. She forgives him time and time again and he keeps cheating, promising he will change someday because he really does 'love her'. She, seeing his potential and hoping for the best, stays until the day (years later) she can't take it anymore and leaves him. She is left bitter and broken while he will come to realize what he lost. Bam. SO! After he checks into marvins room a few times, attempts to get back what they had and realizes...he can't, he moves on into a new relationship, falls in love and does not make the same mistakes he used to because he has learned from his past. The new girl reaps the benefits of all the work, tears, and unreciprocated (is that a word?) love the ex girlfriend put in. Seriously, this shit happens all the time.

Why is it that when women are in new relationships, they tend to bring with them the negative baggage of the ex and men tend to bring in the positive outcomes from lessons learned? Is it that difficult for women to not dump ex offenses on new lovers? I see this all the time, bitter women in new relationships excusing their insecurities on 'well, the last guy...' while men are saying 'you know what, i don't want to miss out on a good thing again...' HELLO! This is a problem, ladies. We are only going to continue missing out on good men while the ex men take all the good baggage and positivity into their new relationships.

Forgiveness, in many cases has little to do with the offending party. He did you dirty months ago, you've been holding on to that grudge while he has forgiven himself and moved on. You should be able to asses any situation and forgive 'them' without needing a conversation with them. Closure IS possible by yourself. Stop waiting for him to pay you back all the work you put in to make him the man he is today, you're wasting precious time! You were strong enough to stay with someone and work for a vision you saw for them. Okay, it didnt work out as you planned, you were a strong woman for them, now its time to be a strong woman for yourself. Or are they more deserving of that than you are?! Please! I love the saying 'Holding a grudge is letting someone live in your head, debt free.' Ask yourself, Do they deserve your time? Thoughts? All converting into energy that ruins entire moods without them even having to speak to you, see you or do anything to you at all. Sometimes we get stuck on how bad they treated us in comparison to how they are living their lives now. First, you don't know how they are living their lives now because you are not a apart of their lives now. Second, take their lead! He seems happy after such a nasty break up you had? Why aren't you happy? He's doing fine without you? Why are you still unhappy!? (think about it). Third, believe that you made them the better person/lover/friend they are in the new relationship. Yes, you went through some shit. Yes, he put you through hell and now he is everything you wanted him to be just not with you. Instead of turning that into bitterness, turn it into lessons learned and positive energy for your next relationships. Unless you want to continue being the girl men realize they dont want to be with and the reason why he is a better, more honest man to the next girl. It's up to you.

Is THAT All You Have To Offer?!

How long is too long to wait for sex? How soon is too fast? I've debated this with many people and have explored many sides of the argument, most discussions are usually about girls blaming infidelities on him 'getting what he wanted & leaving' and guys constantly talking about wanting sex but shunning the girl who gives it up to anyone but them. Honestly, its too confusing for me to keep up with when the rules change everyday depending on who's menstrual cycle you are following. It all brings me to the question of,

why do we place SEX on the highest pedestal of what a relationship consists of? 

Let me say this before I explain myself; to each, their own. I chuckle hearing girls say 'No, he has to wait till the 3rd date' or 'We can't have sex until we are in a relationship' or 'I have a 3 month rule', thats fine...whatever works for you, boo...but lets set some things straight!  Lets take the '3 month rule' for example. In those 3 months of spending time with someone you are attracted to, usually you start trusting them, respecting them, confiding in them, there may be a sense of loyalty and mutual understanding with that person. All things building up to an awesome relationship, not found in everyone minus what can be found in everyone....sex. SO! you have spent 90 days with this man, Im betting on the fact that you have stopped yourself from hot and heavy make out sessions to not have sex and made all attempts to not break your 3 month rule. Is waiting 3 months for something that is natural to humans going to stop you or him from not wanting a relationship anymore or is your plan going to make him want a relationship MORE? Are you telling me that sex is THEE determining factor in which a person stays or leaves in an 'almost' relationship? Here is where I disagree.

Call me liberal, but sex...is basically like the bodega, its always open and available. Sometimes, on any corner at any hour of the night. If you think for one second that man you have waiting 3 months/dates/semesters to 'assure his loyalty' is not having the pussy handed to him in a text, tweet, DM, skyped, face timed & hand delivered to his house, you are sadly mistaken girl. If someone is attracted to you, they want to have sex with you, period. As civilized and advanced as we are, sexual attraction is one thing we have not surpassed. It is a very basic concept, we are mammals and our natural instincts tell us to have sex. Its this patriarchal society that has poisoned us with the subconscious punishment if we happen to be women AND promiscuous. (but this is not about patriarchy, this is about putting your pussy on a pedestal.)

Women have the nerve to argue that they will not sleep with a man they are attracted to until he takes them on *this many* dates over a 3-6month period but they are not prostitutes. Ma'am, you are placing a price on your pussy, we have a market for that & its not called dating. Like my good friend Nick (@inthenickoftime) jokes 'Dating is organized prostitution'. My only problem with this is women are failing to realize that in that time, in all the conversations you are having, feelings developing, you are exchanging things more valuable than sex in a relationship. You are developing what a relationship actually is based on, but are turning around and dismissing him when he wants to have sex with you. 'He just trying to fuck me', well guess what, so are you! (but after he proves himself with the time/money he spends on you). Wanting sex is not a bad thing, it is the most natural thing your body can do. Besides, breathing & shit. Literally.

Am I making sense? You can't tell someone 'I can give you my time, trust, loyalty, conversation but i will deny you sex because you have to wait for that' What? After that, you want him to think of you as more than just sex when he's basically putting in the work to get sex? How about he works for the things that don't come naturally. How about you make him work for your loyalty, not everyone deserves that. How about you make him wait for your trust, the you you hide from most people? Sex? he can get that anywhere, odds are he's not waiting for you without dipping into the next bitch. Loyalty, Honesty, Love, Trust....those are qualities worth waiting for that hes NOT going to find in every girl.

I am making sense. The proof is in all the times you have made a man wait MONTHS for sex...and afterwards he, just like any dude you let smash on the first night...is out the door and never to be seen again. Like Ms. Davey Jones (@_daveybaby) said:

"Sexual chemistry is just as important as anything else when dating someone. So you wait 90 days, what happens when he plays you on the 91st day, after the sex?"

Now you're all heartbroken because you were wide open (emotionally) but too naive to see that you opening your legs had nothing to do with his intentions of staying or leaving. He was going to get what he wanted and leave regardless of what the timeline looked like, you made the decision to give him all of YOU before you had sex with him, now you're hurt. Story sound familiar, yet?

My point is, stop acting like your sex is the only thing worth waiting for and thats the best thing you have to offer as a woman. You have better, more admirable and unique qualities than sex to offer a man. Stop denying yourself the natural instinct of wanting to have sex because he will not stay with you or because the next girl will think you are a 'hoe'. He will not stay with you with or without sex because he does not want to stay with you. He will cheat on you because he is a cheater, not because you had sex with him on the first or 15th night. Making sex the finish line in a beginning of a new relationship is saying you are willing to be wide open emotionally and personally with him but that is not worth as much as opening your legs. Men will respect you as long as you respect yourself, ask them. Men will acknowledge a self respecting woman that wants to have sex and an honest man will be honest with her. Like I said, a liar and a dog will be a liar and a dog whether you bussit wide open on the 1st night or the 78th night, that does not determine who you are...it shows you who they are. Accept that, keep respecting yourself and keep it moving.

Stages of a Single Girl

...because we were all created single, but not equal.

The Hurt Single Girl - *cue adele playlist* Fresh out of a break up where she was either played, cheated on or just straight dumped. The break up was not her choice and her world is falling apart. She may be skipping out on meals, sleep & human interaction, ignoring phone calls and pretending to be dead to the world. This single girl truly does believe she can die from this, she probably rather die than feel her heart breaking. She is lifeless, numb and in shock. She will get over it. Time heals all.

The 'Over It!' Single Girl - Again, the break up for whatever reason was not her choice. She was dumped, but chooses to patch her broken heart with a bandaid by announcing 'He ain't shit anyway, I'm on to the next'. She also airs out all his dirty laundry, negative characteristics and all of a sudden the man she used to love is the devil himself (eyeroll). She is in denial and will sooner than later slip into the first stage or back into bed w the man who dumped her because 'things are different this time'. This girl will go out and live the party life to not think about the break up. She is likely to practice the 'To get over your ex you gotta get under ya next' mantra. Not a hoe, just some hoe decisions...and we ain't gonna judge em, they ain't on trial. *daps all rappers*

The Bitter Single Girl - Ahh! Let's have a moment of silence for this girl. *bows head* I will break this one up into two categories: The Preacher & The Closet Bitter Girl.

The Preacher - You don't even have to ask this girl any questions cause she is already talking about who did her wrong and how many times she fucked up his car. Her preferred method of denial is to bash every man in her world, your world and ya mammas world...even ya daddy ain't shit to this girl. Shes the girl you want to tell to shut the FUCK up. It's a real cry for attention and just a passing phase but it's annoying as fuck. Her bitter partners in crime enable her behavior with 'Yes, girl. He AINT shit. You need a bat?'. Actually, these girls dont need enablers, they just go off alone. They are their own fuel. Like I said, this is just a cry for attention and this won't last too long. This girl will break down and cry one day and allow herself to go through the mourning process of a breakup or she will start a new relationship prematurely and punish the new guy for all the things the old guy did. It's just a recipe for disaster. Girls in this stage don't really realize it, don't feel strong enough to snap out of it. Pride is a strong and enabling factor in this stage.

The Closet Bitter Girl - This could be any girl. Could be you, shit sometimes it's me, depending on what we are talking about & what day of the month it is (not gonna lie). This girl has been hurt as we all have, she may have mastered some coping methods, she's over a few things but still hasn't fully answered all the questions regarding the break up. Questions which keep her guarded and defensive when it comes to new relationships. She's the girl who can think of a positive outcome but can also think of a million ways for something to not work out. She has hope but reality crushes her romantic dreams. Initially, this girl seems like she's genuinely single but after a few conversations, you can tell she's been through it and is still looking for closure. More hopeful than The Preacher, but in a darker place emotionally. Again, only a phase...but, approach w caution (may flip to uber emo single girl when alcohol is ingested).

The Emotionally Unavailable Single Girl- A step in the right direction, just not there yet*. She has been through the sad and angry stages of single-ness and has accepted the terms of the break up but is still not ready to open up emotionally w anyone. This girl is likely to pass up genuine, good guys. She also had a high probability in being a closet-bitter. She's really just not ready & recognizes that, let her be.

The Ride or Die but Single, Girl. - Ride or die, right here. Even when he ain't w her, she rides for him til the death. This girl was dumped but fed hope that one day 'when he gets his shit together' they gonna be right back. She is single and open to getting involved w new people but when the ex is ready, she is willin to drop anyone for him. She is dumb (in this stage) and usually deserving of more than the man she is settling for but you can't tell her nothin. She often blames herself for the bullshit he does and is willing to sacrifice her lifestyle to accommodate his needs/demands. She is stuck in a cycle whether she realizes it or not. Usually the 'in between men' are better than 'the guy' but will never compare (or win) because she will stay commited to the history and the hope of a happy ending. Sometimes these girls are open and conscious about this, sometimes they are not...THOSE girls toggle between this stage and The Preacher or Hurt Stage. Every week is a new roller coaster of emotions.

The 'Im Single, but..' Single Girl - Anyone who is emotionally involved with someone mutual or not is IN a relationship, dont debate me. She meets new guys and compares them to the one she is mentally and/or physically committed to. In this stage, a girl usually asks herself 'Why not me?' while the man she wants is pursuing another or while her homegirls are boo'd up in the club. She is most likely in a fake relationship with a real single man who has no idea she has relationship expectations of him & just thinks of her as an option. When she realizes this she will drown in vodka & adele & go through the stages too...till then, NEXT!

The (real) Single Girl, Forreal- *sigh of relief* my favorite! (hey girls!) The beauty of being alone and enjoying yourself, cooking for one and loving it, flirting, dating, sexing when you want & you call the shots. You get it when you want it but you never need it. They have been thru most/all of the previous stages and somewhere along the way the lightbulb went off or they hit rock bottom and built themselves back up. The beauty in the breakdown I am always talking about is evident in this stage. It's beautiful. Emotionally smart & open, at peace with all the ghosts of breakups past and knowing what she wants out of the next relationship but focusing on bettering herself. It's possible to bounce into this stage sometimes when your non relationship is rocky, but only briefly until she is fully over that non relationship, she will not experience the magic of this final stage. As with all the stages, it's temporary. She won't be single forever, maybe she won't be single ever again...maybe she will & it will hurt again, but it will heal again too.

That's my take on the wild & wonderful journey of single women. Whether it is by choice or you are still playing 'MASH' and hoping he sees every sub-tweet on ya timeline, you are single & fit into at least one single girl stage (if not more). It's far from a bad thing & a great opportunity you can take advantage to find out how YOU contributed to past broken relationships, review your flaws, forgive #him & truly move forward. If not for him, then for you. It's a new year, after all...

Which single girl are you? I'd love to hear your reactions/feedback/journeys! Thank you for reading!

2011

what a year it has been, crazy to say the least. amazing, eye opening, core shaking, lowest of lows...highest of highs. the past 365 days have tested me beyond anything else in my adult* life. from living 6 hours away for a job that i ended up hating, to landing the job that answered all my wishes & moving back to new jersey. from starting the year broken, in love, hopeful, and committed to something/one who only existed in my head (see post; 'the non relationship, relationship). hitting rock bottom & slowly building me back up (still building). it has definitely been the first year i have been able to look within & say 'you need to change because this* is not working', i won't say i have completely changed but progress has been made...a foundation laid for 2012 and years to come, the 'adult' me. it has been a year of reflection & realizations...so here we are at the last night of the year. who knows if we will be here next year, if the mayans were right or if my calendar will end before that. destiny.

i have gained a new respect and appreciation for friendship, love and relationships. i have TRULY learned that only i can make changes in my life, no matter what is handed to me. i have learned that i can get whatever i want, as long as i am willing to put the work in. i have learned the beauty is in the breakdown and the true lessons are in the depths of struggle. i won't say 2012 will be 'my year', but it will be a more conscious one. i plan on making changes one day at a time, even if that means hitting the snooze button only once* in the morning to get a earlier start to my day (snooze button struggle, REAL!) . i do* have some personal resolutions i choose not to share with the world. if you don't believe in resolutions, i hope you still believe in room for change, growth and progress. every day is a new beginning, clean slate and opportunity to start the rest of your life. whether it be those last 20lbs you've been trying to lose, that book you've been meaning to write or that car you been saving up to buy...i hope 2012 brings you closer to your finish line and sets you up for the bigger prize, whatever that means to you.

do something that makes you happy every day. take an hour of your week & dedicate it solely to you. sleep in on sundays and party like a college kid once a month (or so ;)). motivate your friends. smile at strangers (even in new york city). laugh until you cry. and when you're feeling like this world is giving you too much...give back. if you're reading this far, thank you...and happy new year from the bottom of my little bunnie heart. <3

Beauty in the Breakdown.

(wrote this sometime in July, before I had a this blog. read, share, marinate in it & enjoy)

There is a false and dangerous assumption in society that the man in a relationship is the cause of the break up. In every relationship there are two people (at least), two personalities, two visions, two sets of expectations, therefore two servings of responsibility & accountability for actions and effects and how they affect both parties. A lot of times, I see girls talking about how a man did her wrong, cheated, lied, faked the whole relationship & yes, thats wrong. No one should do that to another person, BUT in many cases these statements bashing men are made with the belief that women are flawless and the only positive contribution to the relationship. When I see women talk like this, I know it’s a form of denial, to cover the heartbreak and to avoid placing blame on herself. The fear of looking in the rear view mirror and admitting you could have done a few things differently. 

People often disguise their sadness with anger. Why are we so scared to show off our hurt, our tears...but its so easy to bash and brag about how angry we are, airing out all of his dirty secrets. Why cant we just say ‘Im really hurt about this, I wish I had someone to talk to or I need an outlet to vent’ its okay to cry to talk to repeat it over and over again until its out & you can move on to the next stage of the ‘moving on’ process. Women actually lower themselves to a level of ‘ugly’ when they talk badly about these men they once loved and honestly still love (you’re not fooling anyone).

We all have flaws, we bring those flaws with us in every relationship. If you are a woman telling yourself you are single because of how men are, what they do or anything like that…take a step back and realize you are analyzing everyone but yourself. Think about your last relationship and think about why it ended. If you don’t know then you can make a list of possibilities, with each possibility ask yourself ‘how did I help that situation, how did I hurt that situation?’. If you DO know why your last relationship ended, internalize it (in a healthy way). For example, cheating. Cheating and lying is wrong and the ultimate form of disrespect but if this happens you you over and over again, you are the common demoninator and you should look into that. Think about what drove him to cheat? Very few men cheat because they feel like fucking a new girl, its never okay but there is usually a reason.

We stay in the same situations because we fail to learn from our past mistakes and we rather go with what is comfortable even when it is not comfortable or healthy for our emotional well being. Its painful to analyze how YOU affect a situation in a negative way, its painful to place blame on yourself, but it brings great rewards. Staying in a negative situation is adding to your destructive cycle even when you are doing nothing at all. The fear of the unknown will only keep you hurt, healing the same wounds for years. 

True change comes with evaluating yourself and taking accountability for what you can change. Saying to yourself ‘This is what I do, this is the effect of it, I don’t want that effect so I need to change it…’. This is hard to do, especially with our subconscious mind and comfort having a huge magnetic attraction to each other.

I hate seeing women in such negative places & not admitting ‘Im HURT, HELP’. Face the hurt head on and cry. Its okay. Take responsibility for your half of the failed relationship, fix what you can and execute the lessons learned on the next guy. That’s the best you can do.

Not every ex wants you back, not every ex is the devil’s spawn, not every ex is scum of the earth. They may not want you back, you know what? That is okay cause that relationship didn’t work for YOU anyway! Grow from the break up, appreciate for the lessons you learned with him and move on. We have to learn how to appreciate people even when they are evil and hurt us. They break us down and strip us of our pride, dignity & self worth at times but like spring you can come back better, fresher, brighter, stronger, with a healthier love in you. 

The Non Relationship, Relationship.

Too often, I find myself in conversations with other women about men they are dating, but 'not dating'. What? You know, the safe zone of not friends but if shit ever hit the fan and someone were to catch feelings the 'we are just friends' line is still applicable. Once upon a time, I disagreed with the existence of this 'zone'. Either it was or it wasn't, whats so difficult? RIGHT? wrong. It is alive and well, and used way more often than the words 'Would you like to be my girlfriend?'. Unfortunately, women in this predicament take on the role of a girlfriend and start believing they actually are in relationships, so they subconsciously believe they are wives (it sounds crazy & delusional, but its real).

I am writing this post for those girls, the girls that find a man with all the characteristics of the man they have built in their heads, dreams and wedding fantasies. Only thing wrong with this man is he doesn't want to commit. But he is in your phone and on your mind, daily and on the weekends, in your bed...eating up your home cooked meal and soaking in your love. At first, you tell yourself 'this is nothing, you can do this, just have fun' while your subconscious is yelling 'IF YOU ACT LIKE HIS GIRL, HE WILL SEE YOU ARE CAPABLE AND THE LIGHT BULB WILL GO OFF IN HIS HEAD. HE WILL WANT TO COMMIT.'.  *sigh*

'...after all we were just friends. Although, in my world i was his girl so I would pretend to be his wife. Saying shit like "Its only so many years in a woman's life"...so I gave him 3' -Dana Gilmore

In preparing this post, my question was 'Why do we do that? that's so stupid!' Why do we put the domino pieces all in line with daily texts, 'good morning, baby's', free favors, unlimited sex, loyalty and commitment, you did not agree on to just have him say one day 'I told you I didn't want a relationship' or the torturous silent treatment that knocks those domino pieces down quicker and louder than any break up conversation you could ever have. Why do we make it so easy to be dumped in non relationships? Yesterday this came up on my timeline via a RT:

"The awkward moment when you are trying to get over someone you weren't even in a relationship with"  

Ain't that the TRUTH!? In my opinion, love is a beautiful thing to feel, even temporarily. The adrenaline rush from love is enough to go a week longer in any kind of non committal relationship in hopes that they will love you for real one day and all will be right in the world. I mean, who would deny attention? who would deny a home cooked meal? who would deny sex? Its not that they are not attracted you, they are. They may even see themselves with a woman like you, they even acknowledge how good a woman you are and appreciate all your good deeds. The real question is how much are YOU willing to do with no reciprocity, no promise to stay and for how long are you willing to do this. Where do you draw the line and say 'Im doing this because I want to but I need you to want to be with me, only me'. Ladies, that is not a selfish question and you are not wrong for wanting to be the only one. You are wrong in thinking you are the only one, trying to be the only one. (cc: Aubrey). Why would you think to be the only one when that agreement was never made and if you are attracted to this man, why wouldn't other women be too?

You have to understand yourself to know what you are willing to do without a commitment and what you need a commitment in order to do. Don't go around here giving full time benefits to a part time lover and expect him to put in overtime. You have to understand that just because YOU are willing to do something, does not mean he is. If you find yourself frustrated after doing some nice shit for him because you feel unappreciated or neglected then maybe you need to reevaluate what you said you wanted when this 'non relationship' began. Maybe those expectations changed as time went on and feelings grew. That's okay, feelings are natural. Don't let anyone tell you you are wrong for feeling. 

Men are the silent contributors to this epidemic of the  'non relationship'. I mean, they know what they have to do to continue the 'non relationship' but they do not have to verbalize it. They continue the calling, conversations, occasional hang out sessions, maybe slip in a little 'Im so into you's'. Why? because they like the attention, like I said...who wouldn't?!  Most men know exactly what to say to keep a girl right where she is, close enough to keep an eye on but far enough to not have to commit. This sounds like the perfect plan, but it often fails for men. Failure which they also, don't verbalize often. Men catch feelings, too. Wait. Ill say that again...Men catch feelings, too. I mean, they are human. LOL. Men notice a good quality female, men experience the butterflies, men feel too. Men talk to their friends about all the things you did and the idea lives in their heads too of 'what if..', men get jealous, men miss you, they do. If you let them miss you, if you don't actually try to get the jealous (because that's wrong, don't do that). I'm not sure if it is the fear of commitment, the constant search of 'something better' or whatever else excuse they have as to why they do not give into these feelings but the majority of it is: "Why do I have to commit to something when I'm already getting all the loyalty, committing comes with?". Why pay full price when you have a free coupon that's valid everyday? In that sense, they are  right. Its when shit hits the fan that everyone is to blame and the issue is unavoidable. The fork in the road of 'We commit or We break up'. 

So, Ladies...before you give a man the full access pass to your entire life, love and commitment you have to ask yourself if that is what you want or if that is what you want him to want. Are you playing the girlfriend role because you want to or because you want to be his girlfriend? After he has told you he doesn't want a relationship, why are you convinced you are the exception to make him want one? In the end, you will only expend all your resources and be left back at one, in the same 'I just wanna be cool with you' conversation and feeling like you just broke up with your boyfriend of 8 years when you have only known him a few months. HELLO! The hardest part of a non-relationship is breaking up with the idea and hope of what you want with him, a relationship.

 

To stop something from happening in your life, a lot of times you just have to stop putting up with it. Stop going through the motions and believing in the what ifs and bring your feet back to the ground. What do you want? No, you are not wrong for loving him, falling for him, doing for him. All those things are consequences of the actions and feelings that have taken place in your 'non relationship'. If feelings didn't develop after spending time, sexing, and caring for someone..you wouldn't be human & I would be concerned. A lot of times we lose ourselves and forget to ask 'Why am I doing this?, What do I want from this?'. Ask yourself more often what you want, are you getting it and if you feel appreciated. If the answer is no, then there is someone out there waiting to give you what you want, love you and appreciate you. Don't keep him waiting. :)