Know Your Worth.

Before I go into this post, I will say it has been a long time since I've blogged. I have said, I dont talk about things on the internet that I am not ready to move on from. Once I deal with my own feelings appropriately, I can share, get feedback, and discuss. With that said, 2012 (& the tail end of 2011) has been a series of emotional tests that have forced me to face some demons. I have conquered many personal challenges and now am confident in them to share. Welcome back.

I stopped answering the question of 'Do you see yourself with him forever?' because to be honest, I see myself with everyone Im with 'forever'. Im that* kind of lover. If I like you, I love you & if I want it, I need it. One of the greatest lessons I've learned is -- letting go is okay, not every guy is forever. Letting go is therapeutic, necessary and many times an inevitable part of the relationship cycle. In my 20-something years, that has been my biggest challenge, letting go. I don't know if it is pride or passion but its just...when you want something (read: someone) so much & are willing to give so much of yourself just effortlessly...its hard to let go of that hope. But there comes a time when you realize your energy is going towards potential that will never be reached and your efforts are in vain.

[Exhibit A]So, I was seeing a guy for a few months. Initially, it was two people hitting it off, going out, boo lovin' every night...till we started getting wrapped up in 'future' conversations (read: I started getting wrapped up..). He would tell me how he saw a future with me but it wasn't the right time. I translated this into we did have a future together, it would just take some time. Time I was willing to give (I knew better, I swear). Sometimes that caused a argument but honestly, I wasn't 100% sure I was ready for a relationship so we continued our non-relationship. Til one day, the demonic/wonderful world of facebook tells me he is in a relationship and mystery girl is expecting. So you know I called him...*fast forward those details* It was true. He had been in a relationship & the woman was pregnant. He claimed to 'genuinely have feelings for me but he got caught up in a fucked up situation'. No. You CREATED a fucked up situation when you allowed me into your life under the impression that you were single. So anyway, that ended...slowly but eventually. In the meantime, I was still trying to make the best of this situation...(still).

I found myself thinking 'What if he does want to be with me and its a genuine fucked up situation?' 'What if...this' 'What if...that' I literally would come up with every possible situation to make it potentially work for me when it just came down to...'Wake up, its not gonna work, cause you the only one that wants it to work!' And thats real, when you want someone, you're gonna make that known. In this situation, I was making it known, I was ready and available but he was not. I wasn't accepting that. Problem. Ladies, you have to accept what is being given to you because that is the only tools you have to work with. If a man is not giving you honesty, availability (physically or emotionally), consistency and compassion...what do you have to work with? Only what you are providing & that is not enough. No relationship ever prospered on a one way street.

So, I was dumb, hopeful, hurt, betrayed. I thought of every way possible to ruin his life with this woman (expecting his child) till I realized, none of it was worth it. He was living, he was a happy, father to be. I was the only one miserable. Why? So, I let it go. It wasn't effortless, it took lots of effort, lots of reminders. It's a process. Do I still think of him? Absolutely. Am I in a better place right now? Absolutely. But, more than to talk about my experience, this is more for the women in situations like this one or similar and thinking things will get better, things will change, honesty, love and consistency are on the horizon...no. Good people, love, energy and situations will not happen in your life if you are too busy nurturing the negative ones. If you asked me 'Do you see yourself with him forever?' at the time I was dealing with him, yes because thats what I was nurturing. In hind-sight, hell no, I deserve. But its THOSE experiences, lessons & heartbreaks that leave you to get to know yourself at the core of who you are and what you are worth truly is.

Do not deal with the bullshit. Know your worth and value it. Not for them, but for YOU.

'Where You Been?'

Timing is essential when it comes to relationships and like clockwork, the one you want never wants you but when you've moved on from him to the next 'him'...now he's ready, now he's available and 'open'. How annoying!? RIGHT!? Its confusing, like, wait...why are you calling me so much now? why you wanna know how im doing? why you all in my life WILLINGLY now? whats up...sooner than later you realize, its not that they want you, its more of them not wanting you to be anyone else's.

"Look how you want me now, that I don't need you...So you thought that I'd crumble to my knees at the first sight of you crawling back to me to whisper 'when you leave your man...' cause you swear that this time you can, stand by me" -Adele 'I Found A Boy'

If you're anything like me, you give your all when you're into someone. Cause the hope in potential is enough to keep you trying and giving, till your spent. Yea yea, you try and tell yourself you won't make the same mistakes 'this time' and you try to keep the guard up a little longer, but...new #him, new feelings, new faith, new hope, new love. Love is beautiful like that you know, it kind of replenishes itself to love like you've never been hurt when new hope (people) enter your life. So, when I give my all and am raw with my emotions, it hurts to feel it was all in vain and gone to waste. If you are* anything like me, it has* gone to waste in the past I'm sure you can say you have...mended the wounds yourself and let life's most reliable medicine, TIME heal you. Soon enough, someone new and amazing comes along and all of a sudden the old him wants to know where i been at? (excuse me?) it just makes you wanna say 'Let me tell you where I been at!' *clears throat*

"For the first few weeks after realizing I loved you and you just thought of me as disposable feelings to mooch off of whenever you* wanted...I was home probably, in bed, ignoring my friends, family and anyone else who cared cause I was so obsessed with you NOT loving me. I was in a trance of work (cause I had to) and sleep (to not think of you). After that passed, I thought the worst of it was over, so I kind of started socializing and caring again, I maybe put some make up on, put some effort in and went out a few nights. My friends were happy to see me smiling, but they knew you were still on my mind. (So now we are at month 2, post-you) & I wasn't thinking about you as much but the smallest reminders would bring you back to mind. So I worked on distractions, got back into my routine and actually enjoyed my days. You were on my mind less and less. (Approaching month 3) You were a distant memory and I was able to start thinking of you as a lesson rather than a waste of my time. Coincidentally, I met someone who took the time to get to know me, spend time with me, show me he was willing to open their heart to me because thats what I deserve, someone to be real with me and doesn't gimme all talk, no play. I've been spending my time on someone that will reciprocate effort consistently and with no superficial expectations in return. I've been busy with someone who isn't scared to show me off cause 'there might be someone better out there', someone who realizes, I AM the BEST thing out there. THATS where I've been, if you REALLY needed to know. NOW, what do YOU want from me?!" 

Misery loves company, people that are scared of love (ironically) need the most love, they can't stand seeing love that was once unconditionally given to them now being appreciated and distributed elsewhere. Its an ownership thing (ego), I think. Im sure many of you can relate to this experience, I hope it has brought you some laughs to see the ghosts of lovers past come knocking on your door again, I hope you are strong enough and in a better place at that time to recognize you are too good to be kept waiting for something you deserve and are willing to reciprocate, LOVE and no one has the right to put you on their shelf for when they are ready IF* no one better comes along. Don't settle & don't let anyone have you on the sidelines for when they are ready to settle.

Thanks for reading, Love.

"But I Love Him"

In the midst of all the Steve Harvey theorist and twitter philosophers, women around the internet are stuck in lacking relationships giving no excuse why other than ‘..BUT I LOVE HIM!’ *side eye* Come on, now. This isn’t to come off as insensitive or unemotional, it’s the truth. Loving someone isn’t going to be enough to change the unhappy situation you are in. Obsessing over how things could be different is not going to actually make things change. Hoping he wont cheat again, isn’t going to stop him from cheating…again. Some women (and men) need to wake up and smell something, smoke something, whatever it takes to get you seeing things clearly again, for what they are.

What are you valuing in your relationship? The love, trust, and honesty or the tradition and longevity of it all? What actually matters? I know some people are in unhappy situations and know they deserve better but continue to put up with the bullshit just because its been *x amount* of years. This boggles my mind. How much do you hate yourself that you are okay with spending your life with someone who doesn’t make you 100% happy just because you’ve been with them since high school. Someone who in most cases has no respect for you, no loyalty to the relationship and acts single, ANYWAY. Why stay? Cause of the kids? Cause of the years? Cause the make up sex is that good? Cause of the memories? What is it!? When in the process of growing up and learning how to love and be loved does a person become okay with being emotionally trampled on over and over? When does it become okay for your worth to be sacrificed and ignored because of your partner’s shortcomings?

WOMEN are out here making too many damn excuses! There are reasons to stay in a relationship and work things out and then there are excuses to cover up you fears and insecurities. I have heard women blame themselves for why their man routinely steps out on their relationship, come on! Don’t stay in a relationship that you wouldn’t want your best friend to be in if the shoe was on the other foot. Don’t stay in a relationship that you’re having more make up sex than just plain old good sex. (Sex doesn’t have to be make up to be good, hello!) Don’t stay in a relationship because you don’t want them with anyone else, that’s selfish and dumb. Stop self reflecting and attempting to change yourself so much to the point that you have lost yourself, sometimes you cant change enough. You don’t have to be the one to change all the time. Its okay to say ‘I have tried, and you have not’ and expect work to be put in on the other end. Change in a relationship is a two way street.

Breaking up is hard to do, no doubt. But in many cases, it’s the best thing, the only thing left.  Ending a relationship is a serious of emotion and life changes to bring you to a new you. Be strong enough to allow that happiness into your life. Yes, you will miss them. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, you will constantly have to remind yourself ‘Did I make the right decision’. But before you run right back to the temporary love of an old lover ‘because you love them’…remember all the reasons why you left all those times, cried all those nights, remember to love you FIRST. Loving him and losing you is a lose/lose situation. Stop covering up your insecurities of being alone with the proclamation of 'but i love him' when that love left a long time ago.

Love or Loyalty

Are we looking for love or are we looking for loyalty? Loyalty kinda falls by the wayside when we get to talking about whats best* for all the parties involved. Its interesting to see how many people are begging for loyalty but they also value their 'options'. How are you begging me to be loyal to you but have women ready and willing to replace me? Men always want to justify this behavoir by assigning different roles to women but treating them all the same. For example, his 'Queen' may get most of if his physical time and affection but his side chick feels just as important...but he's loyal, right?

You ever deal with someone that stresses loyalty? Everything they do, they are paranoid with everyone elses intentions? Thats not normal...Why are you so paranoid about loyalty and trust? Probably because you cant be trusted, you never learned how to love..thats why. People living paranoid about trust or being hurt are living wrong or have some hidden demons they need to work on and you dont need to be there while they are working on them. Its not baggage for you to claim. The irony of a man valuing loyalty as the most important quality in a mate and that being the last quality he brings to the table. Overcompensating their shortcomings by proclaiming to be loyal, little boys crying wolf. As women, we are natural caregivers & we want to please. Sometimes we are so foused on keeping a man happy, we dont notice when we are being accused of their own insecurities.

"Men too scared to stop acting like boys, thinking we can love away their scars. So we take the lashes of the insecurities they pour on us & lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we lose by the minute" - 'To All The Boys I've Loved Before' Mayda Del Valle

Staying loyal and hopeful for happiness will have you empty and him happy enough for the both of you. Who is gonna feed you when YOU are hungry for loyalty, happiness and love? Who is gonna be there when you have given him all your extra helpings? Him? How many women does he have being loyal to him for him to care that you need his support or loyalty? Wake up. Too many women are willing to satisfy a mans ego, subconciously (or consiously) competing to be the chosen one while lacking self-love, worth & acceptance. Being asked to prove your loyalty as a woman in exchange for a position on a rotating pedestal of 'queens', depending on who is more 'loyal' on whatever day of the week. Who he is in the mood for today? No. Dont be out here giving full access loyalty passess to someone only willing to give you a 'Maybe' or 'Im not ready yet' day pass.

Why can't a person commit to someone they find awesome even with all the other awesome people left out there. How come ONE isnt enough for some? It came to me that, maybe the need to be promiscuous is masking the need for love, guaranteed love. How else can we guarantee love even at its most superficial state than to have multiple lovers at our beckon call? Have more than one. Its the only logical reasoning I can think of. (I'm sure there's more)

Like John Mayer sings 'Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do'. We are just as loyal as the experiences in our life. Children are as loyal, loving and honest as their upbringings. Lovers are just as loyal as the love they recieved as they grew up. If love growing up was not guaranteed  these men will not learn to love and be loyal but will demand to be loved and be waited on. You see it everyday, men hunting for 'love'...women home, waiting to be loved. Loyalty is an admirable quality to have but it must be recognized when it breeds flaws and unhealthy situations. Are you in love or are you in loyalty? Are you being reciprocated the loyalty you have so willingly put forth? Any relationship is an exchange of energies, qualities, and personalities; take pride first in the relationship you have with yourself and be careful of the loyalty to others interfering with the loyalty and love you should have with your self. The best lovers are the ones who have learned to love from the inside out, the ones who have been loyal to themselves above all else. 

Let It Go

Yesterday, my best friend and I got matching tattoos. While we both share an slight obsession for ink and art, I'd like to share a little about the meaning behind 'Let It Go'. A concept neither of us have mastered but, who ever will? One of the qualities I admire most about my friend (@bunnieface of twitter, btw) is her passion for love. In times where I would have probably spazzed on someone and their momma she remains calm, seems to think logically and moves on to something more positive. She never seems to fester over the what ifs, how comes, and hypotheticals of loves lost. I, on the other hand...wear my heart on my sleeve.

As we get older, I am able to understand that the true beauty of life is in letting things go, letting life happen the way it will and trusting that the universe will take care of you and your heart.

"Having total control over a situation is realizing you have no control at all.." -Scorpio Blues "Second Guessing"

If you're reading this thinking 'Yea, but..' or you've caught yourself thinking 'If I do this...' 'Things will be different when..' man...no. Just stop. Step outside of yourself and admit that the situation is out of your hands, you will never control feeling or actions that aren't your own. When you love hard, losing is harder. I know...imma hard lover. If I want you, I need you and there isn't really any in between. I'll never believe loving someone with all your heart and hoping for the best is something to be ashamed about, it's a brave quality to have. Oftentimes you're stripped down to raw feelings with no one willing to go the extra mile for you. Most times, hard love is reciprocated with underappreciating, self centered, scared lovers giving you less than what you truly deserve, modifying old promises to make them sound new but never kept.

Letting it go is realizing and accepting there is nothing else you can do about the situation to change the outcome. Sometimes we are so aware of our good intentions we are unable to understand how someone else* cant see them too? Beyonce wasnt playing in 'Why dont you love me?' LOL. If you love something, fight for it, give it your best fight, dont let your pride stop you from fighting but find a balance between fighting for a purpose and fight an already lost battle. Thats growth, thats mature, thats love. Its as simple as saying to yourself 'I loved, I fought, I lost, I'm still a good woman.' Its about not letting the failed attempts taint your love, jade your heart and poison your mind. Its easy to trash talk love and blame the past, your past moved on while you were still holding on. Challenge yourself to do the same. Let it go.

There is a time when your body and mind make a connection and the love you've been giving becomes exhausting. Tired of asking questions, tired of feeling less than, tired of comparing yourself, tired of trying, tired of fighting, tired of not being heard, tired of needs not being met, tired of promises unkept, tired.  Thats when you have to let it go. Let it go in order to hold on to your love, sanity and dignity. Im the least competitive person in this world (I can really care less who wins what) but, losing in LOVE?! Every game is the championship when you love love. You win some, you lose some...but no failed attempt should fade your heart so black it could never love again. Dont let the past hold you back, your love is more powerful than the pain of it not being reciprocated. Its just more challenging to see the power in love than the power in pain. Easier to cry, than to hold back the tears. Easier to give up than to love like you never been hurt. Don't do whats easy, LOVE.

Letting it go can mean anything to you, reading this. Maybe your challenges are about letting go of doubt in a current relationship, maybe you need to let go of doubting yourself, maybe you want to rid yourself of whatever it is keeping you up and thinking at night. Whatever it may be in your life, I hope you are able to recognize what the set back. Acknowledgement is the first step of change. You are a beautiful, amazing, able human being on the verge of reaching your highest potential as soon as you Let It Go.

Thirst & Thirstier

How many times a week do you read '#THETHIRST' on twitter, FB, etc...? Me, a million. Can't help but wonder how much attention these girls are actually getting or are they bragging about attention they wish they were getting, subconsciously hoping they'd get some...pun intended. Sometimes, I just want to ask to see the actual 'thirst', so I know its real..? But, seriously...I know there are men (& women) out there that do not take "No" for an answer and insist with the DMs, follows and constant compliments but at what point are we over diagnosing 'Thirst' and missing genuine interest and concern to get to know a deeper, realer you...not just your twitter handle or your fake FB name..?

Women are funny. If a man shows interest, he's thirsty. If a man shows no interest, he's stupid. What do we want? Can you blame him? Even if a man found a woman on the internet or in real life that he found gorgeous or just felt a connection with, he is at the mercy of possible public humiliation and rejection. No man is trying to risk that! No man is approaching you in hopes to become the laughing stock of a TL. So, really...lets kill the whole 'thirst' phenomenon. Meanwhile, you are calling him thirsty, you're sleeping next to hella pillows thinking of the last time someone occupied your bed with you. Why do women empower themselves by turning down men, potential partners, friends, lovers, husbands (yes, that still happens)? Not only do you turn them down but you dead make it a goal to shatter egos! Im always rooting for the women, but in this case, I can't get down with that. I'm not about shattering egos, self confidence and manhood. You shouldn't be either, ladies.

If a man is approaching you or contracting you to tell you how much he enjoys something about you, or he would like to take you out...thank him and keep it moving if you are not interested. Screenshotting and RT'ing that DM he sent you asking to chill for some twitter fame is equivalent to #him posting your pics on his TL to embarrass you. Tasteless and senseless...lets have respect for each other and appreciate the compliment. Women are out here acting like men owe them a compliment quota a week and shit, no. Call me crazy, but I don't know what to do with compliments. They make me uncomfortable and I don't have anything to say past 'Thank You', so Im likely to make a dumb joke and embarrass myself in the process. Now, if you're interested in the guy....then its not thirst. I've noticed this. If the female is interested in the inquiring male then she keeps it a secret, doesn't expose it to the world and plays along. So really, the determining factor of thirst is whether the recipient is interested or not. Not that they are 'Thirsty" but "Am I Thirsty?". Right?

Men, are less likely to expose female 'Thirst', I've noticed. For one, a woman kicking it to a man is 'hot' and (I'm sorry ladies, but..) men are smart. Whether you are interested or not, you keep her on good terms and friendly for a 'rainy day'. The one night his starting five ain't acting right, he might have some other options for entertainment, potentials. Potentials that women throw away everyday and then complain via lonely tweets and mystery #hims. Keep publicly slapping that thirsty hashtag on these dudes and thats just how you will stay, lonely and lonelier. In no time, no one will give you any of the attention you actually enjoyed because you're 'that girl that posted the screenshot'.

This internet behavior is equivalent to the pretty girls with the nasty attitudes in real life. You know, the girls with NO REASON to be mad, she just pretty as hell and wakes up mad? Yea, her. At first guys see it as a challenge, but after a few weeks, months...no one wants to deal with that shit. Why would anyone sign up for misery, unhappiness and constant bashing sessions?! In my opinion, instantly classifying something as 'Thirst' is juvenile and petty. I mention all the time how many people I have met via social networks that have become friends to me, women and men. Im not on the internet to be a loner (I am a loner, though). Had I reached and 'exposed' some of my -now- male friends as 'Thirsty', I wouldn't have those friendships. Come to the realization that, hey...not every guy wants you. Not every man is trying to sleep with you. If you genuinely think that then, you have an issue. Id suggest you trace it back to where your view on men originated, probably somewhere in grade school. Think about it, before you jump off the Assumption Bridge to make an ass out of yourself and a man figure out if he is really 'Thirsty' or if its just you wanting to drown yourself in some internet attention via some more followers and a few RTs.

Great Love: Part 1

I speak a lot of about lessons in our lowest times, those have which fueled most of my posts and inspired me to grow into the woman I am today. As most women, I love me some Sex and the City & I often think about the episode where Charolette says we only have 2 great loves (I love that one). I've been waiting for a time to talk about my great love, the one who broke me down and built me up. Its been a long and twisty journey & I know some of you (reading) are/have/will be on this journey too. :)

*inhales*

It was 2008 (or 2009?) and the week of my birthday, My boyfriend of 2 years dropped me off after a wonderful birthday dinner and was going to work. About 30 minutes later, I got a text from him 'I don't want to be with you anymore, I'm sorry.'. -what- yes. exactly. I was confused but I stayed calm, put my phone down and continued what I was doing. We had broken up times before and this really didn't make sense at the time. I remember almost thinking I was dreaming, this just couldn't be happening to me. Not like this, not after everything we had been through, not in a text, not on my birthday week. No. Yes, It was happening, like this, after everything, to me, in a txt, on my birthday week.

Like many college students, I was in love with a man I was certain to spend the rest of my life with. My dreams were planned by 'We wills' & 'Us'. I had mapped out graduation dates and how soon after we'd be living together. I had a relationship with him, his son, his family, his extended family, his church, his job. Our lives had connected to become one, there was no way, I was living without this man. Well, you know what they say...all you need is a plan for God to laugh at you, right? Well, I was the joke. After our 2 years of LOVE, one text broke it down for me...he didn't wanna be with me, thats it. That night (and many many nights after), I tried getting him on the phone to talk about it and I was convinced I'd get him back (He was TRIPPIN! LOL) But hearing him on the phone after a few nights and many attempts to take it back to where I thought it was, it was apparent that he had mourned the break up long before it happened. It was over, for him and for me it had just began. Once I was at that realization, it was like glass shattered inside me, cutting up every ounce of life I had left and I was done for. Stripped of all my defenses and I honestly would have rather he killed me, I didn't want to live. Everyday was just like the last, maybe the sun was shining, maybe it was was warm out, I wouldn't know cause I didn't feel anything. Numb. Dead. Gone. His graduation came and my friends attended while I sat in my dark room listening to the roaring crowd as names were announced. We had been over for a while now and I was still lifeless. In those months, everything reminded me of him, everything was him, it was almost like he had been so imbedded in my life that my mind had the power to literally see his dark, sleek 6foot shadow anywhere. Every now and then I would forget that we weren't together and pick up the phone to call & his words echoed in my head 'I don't want to be with you.'. Nights, weeks & months passed...I was above water again, able to breathe. Sleep without crying, thoughts of him became less and less and before I knew it I was smiling more, again. I didn't know when I'd be ready to talk about it again without going back to that dark, lifeless place, but at least he wasn't haunting my day dreams and terrorizing my nights sleep. I saw a light, I felt the sun again.

*exhale*

I often look back at that relationship. I find myself comparing men to him, subconciously attracting men just like him. Men possibly able to reenact and substitute what he was in my life. Like I said, I had my life planned with this man. I was going to graduate college exactly a year after he did and our life was going to begin. I had taken on the role of wife and step mother, what was mine was his and if he couldnt get it, I was gonna find a way for him to have it. Cause thats what you do for ya man, right? Little did i know, I was giving everything and he was keeping it all and then some for himself.

He is my Great Love, he is still the one. The one who taught me the most I could ever learn about myself. He 'pledged' me in a sense. Once I stopped fighting his decision to end our relationship, I was broken. I didnt know who I was, where I belonged, why I was here, there, anywhere. I had given him my everything and had nothing left to give myself. I was banking on because I was a good woman and lover, he would always come back to me, want to be with me. False, while I thought it was all for certain and planned out, I had taken things for granted. I became all about him, became him in a way. So much that he went to look for the girl he fell in love with and I was gone. I lost myself, how could I have expected him to stay?

The one who silently, with his decision forced me to look within myself and see what I could have done better. I believe that is a large part in why it hurt so much, I was forced to say 'Liz, you're not perfect, there are things about you that no one will put up with, CHANGE' and I did, Im still a work in progress, but that initial eye opening heartbreak was what got the wheels going. I had to change. Love alone was not going to keep anyone, it won't. Putting up with his lifestyle and adopting it as your own to satisfy a man and keep a relationship will not guarantee a relationship to last. He opened my eyes to always putting my priorities first, having a dream for myself that is going to happen with or without a 'him'. As much as that broke me down, the break through was worth it. I would not be the me I am had that not happened, I am a firm believer in that. I would not be as hopeful in love as I am today, had I decided to stay bitter because he left me in a text message. It was deeper than that, Liz had left the building and I needed to get her back. He knew that I wasn't gonna find me with him still in the picture. It had to be done. I had to find the Liz I was, the Liz he fell in love with & modify her, not with him in mind but with me in mind. The cost to pay was, he wouldn't be there in the end, to see the final product. With Great Loves, comes great sacrifices.

He wont be the one I spend the rest of my life with, but he is definitely one I wont forget. The one who taught me how to love, how to get over it, and how to love again, better and healthier. Its easier to stay in vicious cycles of love holding on to a dream you once created for yourselves than to admit 'This is not working for me and I am not reaching my highest potential in this relationship'. I learned that just because a relationship doesn't last, doesn't mean it went to waste. I don't know how many 'Great Loves' we have in our lives, I don't want to believe there is a limit on those things but I am grateful to have experienced one of mine and am hopeful to see whats to be learned with my next great love.

Its Not You, Its Me

Its me. I know what I want and I wont be satisfied until I get it. So now, Ive decided in my sick & twisted mind, that I want you and of course its not the 'you' you think is ready to give me all I need. But I have seen the potential in you and Ive taken on the task of customizing it to fit me. Yea, I know..you didnt ask, you didnt agree, but the non verbal cues is what caught me. Roped me up & caught me like bait on a line and now Im stuck.

Stuck in this place where I know I should leave, but I stay. Dreams I should cease, but they remain. Conversations I should ignore, but I entertain. Stuck understanding exactly what I did to get me into this unemotional space, again. Its happened too many times before. Where I meet a suitor and start looking for suits that would suit him, in case. Stuck in disgust that such a smart, beautiful, creative, free spirit can sit home night after night wondering why one man in a world of many, would deny her. One man, of many...many I have fallen for and end the same..in the conversation of 'I dont want to hurt you, Im not trying to play games'. So, really..its not you, its me.

Its not you that wanted to be loved, me that yearns to love. Its not you that ran game, its me wanting to fall. Its not you not wanting to commit, its me committing. Committing to something make believe, to a contract not even signed, to the hope of one day falling for an idea, a man, that would dare falling for me. Its crazy, and probably untrue but trust me, I know its me...and not you.


-

[ive had a lot of writing blocks lately, so i decided to just try 'writing whatevers on your mind'. this is a little -a lot- bold of me and disclosing but i believe no feeling is shared by one person alone in this world. so, i hope this speaks to someone, tickles someones heart or reminds you of how far you've come. regardless, thanks for reading and sharing.]

Lessons of Lovers Past

Have you told your Ex's 'Thank You', lately..?

After you get over your broken heart, you've seen the light and may or may not have found some one new, you should go back and thank your exes. Yep, thank them. Maybe not verbally (unless thats cool with you) but take a mental trip down memory lane and turn every argument into a lesson you learned about yourself and thank them. Whisper it into the universe and they will hear it, somehow. As much as we bash our exes and avoid reminiscent conversations of lovers past, without them we wouldnt be who we are now. Its like they are a part of our 'Love Resume'. Just like your professional resume, you should have something to say you've gained from each experience listed.

In every ones life there is that one that put in the dirty work. You were a self centered, tunnel visioned piece of heartless shit and someone* loved you enough (w no reciprocity, most likely) and sacrificed their sanity to show you how to love. A lot of times, it may come off as boasting, like, 'I made him who he is today, he's with her but I made him'. Thats not boasting, sometimes...its actually true. He may not have realized how fucked up he was living and loving until he left you (you left him, whatever).

So, lets say you were the one to 'change' him. You rolled up your sleeves, put your pride and dignity aside and put in the dirty work. The best example of this is when you see your ex 'bad boyfriend' flip the switch and become an amazing boyfriend in his next relationship. Its infruiating watching the man you fought so hard to change, be who you wanted him to be...with someone ELSE! The reason is simple, no one is going to change because you tell them to. People will only change when they are willing and ready, even when they know their actions are wrong and hurtful to the people around them. The sad truth is what I tweeted a few weeks ago (@cuuuupcake); 

Sometimes we try so hard to change people, we succeed and they turn into people we don't want anymore. 

We find ourselves with partners that have amazing potential and we take take on the task of having them reach this potential, sacrificing our sanity, love, and dignity in most cases and ignoring the crucial factor in change, will. Going back to my previous example, the relationship of a loyal woman to a cheating man. She forgives him time and time again and he keeps cheating, promising he will change someday because he really does 'love her'. She, seeing his potential and hoping for the best, stays until the day (years later) she can't take it anymore and leaves him. She is left bitter and broken while he will come to realize what he lost. Bam. SO! After he checks into marvins room a few times, attempts to get back what they had and realizes...he can't, he moves on into a new relationship, falls in love and does not make the same mistakes he used to because he has learned from his past. The new girl reaps the benefits of all the work, tears, and unreciprocated (is that a word?) love the ex girlfriend put in. Seriously, this shit happens all the time.

Why is it that when women are in new relationships, they tend to bring with them the negative baggage of the ex and men tend to bring in the positive outcomes from lessons learned? Is it that difficult for women to not dump ex offenses on new lovers? I see this all the time, bitter women in new relationships excusing their insecurities on 'well, the last guy...' while men are saying 'you know what, i don't want to miss out on a good thing again...' HELLO! This is a problem, ladies. We are only going to continue missing out on good men while the ex men take all the good baggage and positivity into their new relationships.

Forgiveness, in many cases has little to do with the offending party. He did you dirty months ago, you've been holding on to that grudge while he has forgiven himself and moved on. You should be able to asses any situation and forgive 'them' without needing a conversation with them. Closure IS possible by yourself. Stop waiting for him to pay you back all the work you put in to make him the man he is today, you're wasting precious time! You were strong enough to stay with someone and work for a vision you saw for them. Okay, it didnt work out as you planned, you were a strong woman for them, now its time to be a strong woman for yourself. Or are they more deserving of that than you are?! Please! I love the saying 'Holding a grudge is letting someone live in your head, debt free.' Ask yourself, Do they deserve your time? Thoughts? All converting into energy that ruins entire moods without them even having to speak to you, see you or do anything to you at all. Sometimes we get stuck on how bad they treated us in comparison to how they are living their lives now. First, you don't know how they are living their lives now because you are not a apart of their lives now. Second, take their lead! He seems happy after such a nasty break up you had? Why aren't you happy? He's doing fine without you? Why are you still unhappy!? (think about it). Third, believe that you made them the better person/lover/friend they are in the new relationship. Yes, you went through some shit. Yes, he put you through hell and now he is everything you wanted him to be just not with you. Instead of turning that into bitterness, turn it into lessons learned and positive energy for your next relationships. Unless you want to continue being the girl men realize they dont want to be with and the reason why he is a better, more honest man to the next girl. It's up to you.

Is THAT All You Have To Offer?!

How long is too long to wait for sex? How soon is too fast? I've debated this with many people and have explored many sides of the argument, most discussions are usually about girls blaming infidelities on him 'getting what he wanted & leaving' and guys constantly talking about wanting sex but shunning the girl who gives it up to anyone but them. Honestly, its too confusing for me to keep up with when the rules change everyday depending on who's menstrual cycle you are following. It all brings me to the question of,

why do we place SEX on the highest pedestal of what a relationship consists of? 

Let me say this before I explain myself; to each, their own. I chuckle hearing girls say 'No, he has to wait till the 3rd date' or 'We can't have sex until we are in a relationship' or 'I have a 3 month rule', thats fine...whatever works for you, boo...but lets set some things straight!  Lets take the '3 month rule' for example. In those 3 months of spending time with someone you are attracted to, usually you start trusting them, respecting them, confiding in them, there may be a sense of loyalty and mutual understanding with that person. All things building up to an awesome relationship, not found in everyone minus what can be found in everyone....sex. SO! you have spent 90 days with this man, Im betting on the fact that you have stopped yourself from hot and heavy make out sessions to not have sex and made all attempts to not break your 3 month rule. Is waiting 3 months for something that is natural to humans going to stop you or him from not wanting a relationship anymore or is your plan going to make him want a relationship MORE? Are you telling me that sex is THEE determining factor in which a person stays or leaves in an 'almost' relationship? Here is where I disagree.

Call me liberal, but sex...is basically like the bodega, its always open and available. Sometimes, on any corner at any hour of the night. If you think for one second that man you have waiting 3 months/dates/semesters to 'assure his loyalty' is not having the pussy handed to him in a text, tweet, DM, skyped, face timed & hand delivered to his house, you are sadly mistaken girl. If someone is attracted to you, they want to have sex with you, period. As civilized and advanced as we are, sexual attraction is one thing we have not surpassed. It is a very basic concept, we are mammals and our natural instincts tell us to have sex. Its this patriarchal society that has poisoned us with the subconscious punishment if we happen to be women AND promiscuous. (but this is not about patriarchy, this is about putting your pussy on a pedestal.)

Women have the nerve to argue that they will not sleep with a man they are attracted to until he takes them on *this many* dates over a 3-6month period but they are not prostitutes. Ma'am, you are placing a price on your pussy, we have a market for that & its not called dating. Like my good friend Nick (@inthenickoftime) jokes 'Dating is organized prostitution'. My only problem with this is women are failing to realize that in that time, in all the conversations you are having, feelings developing, you are exchanging things more valuable than sex in a relationship. You are developing what a relationship actually is based on, but are turning around and dismissing him when he wants to have sex with you. 'He just trying to fuck me', well guess what, so are you! (but after he proves himself with the time/money he spends on you). Wanting sex is not a bad thing, it is the most natural thing your body can do. Besides, breathing & shit. Literally.

Am I making sense? You can't tell someone 'I can give you my time, trust, loyalty, conversation but i will deny you sex because you have to wait for that' What? After that, you want him to think of you as more than just sex when he's basically putting in the work to get sex? How about he works for the things that don't come naturally. How about you make him work for your loyalty, not everyone deserves that. How about you make him wait for your trust, the you you hide from most people? Sex? he can get that anywhere, odds are he's not waiting for you without dipping into the next bitch. Loyalty, Honesty, Love, Trust....those are qualities worth waiting for that hes NOT going to find in every girl.

I am making sense. The proof is in all the times you have made a man wait MONTHS for sex...and afterwards he, just like any dude you let smash on the first night...is out the door and never to be seen again. Like Ms. Davey Jones (@_daveybaby) said:

"Sexual chemistry is just as important as anything else when dating someone. So you wait 90 days, what happens when he plays you on the 91st day, after the sex?"

Now you're all heartbroken because you were wide open (emotionally) but too naive to see that you opening your legs had nothing to do with his intentions of staying or leaving. He was going to get what he wanted and leave regardless of what the timeline looked like, you made the decision to give him all of YOU before you had sex with him, now you're hurt. Story sound familiar, yet?

My point is, stop acting like your sex is the only thing worth waiting for and thats the best thing you have to offer as a woman. You have better, more admirable and unique qualities than sex to offer a man. Stop denying yourself the natural instinct of wanting to have sex because he will not stay with you or because the next girl will think you are a 'hoe'. He will not stay with you with or without sex because he does not want to stay with you. He will cheat on you because he is a cheater, not because you had sex with him on the first or 15th night. Making sex the finish line in a beginning of a new relationship is saying you are willing to be wide open emotionally and personally with him but that is not worth as much as opening your legs. Men will respect you as long as you respect yourself, ask them. Men will acknowledge a self respecting woman that wants to have sex and an honest man will be honest with her. Like I said, a liar and a dog will be a liar and a dog whether you bussit wide open on the 1st night or the 78th night, that does not determine who you are...it shows you who they are. Accept that, keep respecting yourself and keep it moving.

Stages of a Single Girl

...because we were all created single, but not equal.

The Hurt Single Girl - *cue adele playlist* Fresh out of a break up where she was either played, cheated on or just straight dumped. The break up was not her choice and her world is falling apart. She may be skipping out on meals, sleep & human interaction, ignoring phone calls and pretending to be dead to the world. This single girl truly does believe she can die from this, she probably rather die than feel her heart breaking. She is lifeless, numb and in shock. She will get over it. Time heals all.

The 'Over It!' Single Girl - Again, the break up for whatever reason was not her choice. She was dumped, but chooses to patch her broken heart with a bandaid by announcing 'He ain't shit anyway, I'm on to the next'. She also airs out all his dirty laundry, negative characteristics and all of a sudden the man she used to love is the devil himself (eyeroll). She is in denial and will sooner than later slip into the first stage or back into bed w the man who dumped her because 'things are different this time'. This girl will go out and live the party life to not think about the break up. She is likely to practice the 'To get over your ex you gotta get under ya next' mantra. Not a hoe, just some hoe decisions...and we ain't gonna judge em, they ain't on trial. *daps all rappers*

The Bitter Single Girl - Ahh! Let's have a moment of silence for this girl. *bows head* I will break this one up into two categories: The Preacher & The Closet Bitter Girl.

The Preacher - You don't even have to ask this girl any questions cause she is already talking about who did her wrong and how many times she fucked up his car. Her preferred method of denial is to bash every man in her world, your world and ya mammas world...even ya daddy ain't shit to this girl. Shes the girl you want to tell to shut the FUCK up. It's a real cry for attention and just a passing phase but it's annoying as fuck. Her bitter partners in crime enable her behavior with 'Yes, girl. He AINT shit. You need a bat?'. Actually, these girls dont need enablers, they just go off alone. They are their own fuel. Like I said, this is just a cry for attention and this won't last too long. This girl will break down and cry one day and allow herself to go through the mourning process of a breakup or she will start a new relationship prematurely and punish the new guy for all the things the old guy did. It's just a recipe for disaster. Girls in this stage don't really realize it, don't feel strong enough to snap out of it. Pride is a strong and enabling factor in this stage.

The Closet Bitter Girl - This could be any girl. Could be you, shit sometimes it's me, depending on what we are talking about & what day of the month it is (not gonna lie). This girl has been hurt as we all have, she may have mastered some coping methods, she's over a few things but still hasn't fully answered all the questions regarding the break up. Questions which keep her guarded and defensive when it comes to new relationships. She's the girl who can think of a positive outcome but can also think of a million ways for something to not work out. She has hope but reality crushes her romantic dreams. Initially, this girl seems like she's genuinely single but after a few conversations, you can tell she's been through it and is still looking for closure. More hopeful than The Preacher, but in a darker place emotionally. Again, only a phase...but, approach w caution (may flip to uber emo single girl when alcohol is ingested).

The Emotionally Unavailable Single Girl- A step in the right direction, just not there yet*. She has been through the sad and angry stages of single-ness and has accepted the terms of the break up but is still not ready to open up emotionally w anyone. This girl is likely to pass up genuine, good guys. She also had a high probability in being a closet-bitter. She's really just not ready & recognizes that, let her be.

The Ride or Die but Single, Girl. - Ride or die, right here. Even when he ain't w her, she rides for him til the death. This girl was dumped but fed hope that one day 'when he gets his shit together' they gonna be right back. She is single and open to getting involved w new people but when the ex is ready, she is willin to drop anyone for him. She is dumb (in this stage) and usually deserving of more than the man she is settling for but you can't tell her nothin. She often blames herself for the bullshit he does and is willing to sacrifice her lifestyle to accommodate his needs/demands. She is stuck in a cycle whether she realizes it or not. Usually the 'in between men' are better than 'the guy' but will never compare (or win) because she will stay commited to the history and the hope of a happy ending. Sometimes these girls are open and conscious about this, sometimes they are not...THOSE girls toggle between this stage and The Preacher or Hurt Stage. Every week is a new roller coaster of emotions.

The 'Im Single, but..' Single Girl - Anyone who is emotionally involved with someone mutual or not is IN a relationship, dont debate me. She meets new guys and compares them to the one she is mentally and/or physically committed to. In this stage, a girl usually asks herself 'Why not me?' while the man she wants is pursuing another or while her homegirls are boo'd up in the club. She is most likely in a fake relationship with a real single man who has no idea she has relationship expectations of him & just thinks of her as an option. When she realizes this she will drown in vodka & adele & go through the stages too...till then, NEXT!

The (real) Single Girl, Forreal- *sigh of relief* my favorite! (hey girls!) The beauty of being alone and enjoying yourself, cooking for one and loving it, flirting, dating, sexing when you want & you call the shots. You get it when you want it but you never need it. They have been thru most/all of the previous stages and somewhere along the way the lightbulb went off or they hit rock bottom and built themselves back up. The beauty in the breakdown I am always talking about is evident in this stage. It's beautiful. Emotionally smart & open, at peace with all the ghosts of breakups past and knowing what she wants out of the next relationship but focusing on bettering herself. It's possible to bounce into this stage sometimes when your non relationship is rocky, but only briefly until she is fully over that non relationship, she will not experience the magic of this final stage. As with all the stages, it's temporary. She won't be single forever, maybe she won't be single ever again...maybe she will & it will hurt again, but it will heal again too.

That's my take on the wild & wonderful journey of single women. Whether it is by choice or you are still playing 'MASH' and hoping he sees every sub-tweet on ya timeline, you are single & fit into at least one single girl stage (if not more). It's far from a bad thing & a great opportunity you can take advantage to find out how YOU contributed to past broken relationships, review your flaws, forgive #him & truly move forward. If not for him, then for you. It's a new year, after all...

Which single girl are you? I'd love to hear your reactions/feedback/journeys! Thank you for reading!

2011

what a year it has been, crazy to say the least. amazing, eye opening, core shaking, lowest of lows...highest of highs. the past 365 days have tested me beyond anything else in my adult* life. from living 6 hours away for a job that i ended up hating, to landing the job that answered all my wishes & moving back to new jersey. from starting the year broken, in love, hopeful, and committed to something/one who only existed in my head (see post; 'the non relationship, relationship). hitting rock bottom & slowly building me back up (still building). it has definitely been the first year i have been able to look within & say 'you need to change because this* is not working', i won't say i have completely changed but progress has been made...a foundation laid for 2012 and years to come, the 'adult' me. it has been a year of reflection & realizations...so here we are at the last night of the year. who knows if we will be here next year, if the mayans were right or if my calendar will end before that. destiny.

i have gained a new respect and appreciation for friendship, love and relationships. i have TRULY learned that only i can make changes in my life, no matter what is handed to me. i have learned that i can get whatever i want, as long as i am willing to put the work in. i have learned the beauty is in the breakdown and the true lessons are in the depths of struggle. i won't say 2012 will be 'my year', but it will be a more conscious one. i plan on making changes one day at a time, even if that means hitting the snooze button only once* in the morning to get a earlier start to my day (snooze button struggle, REAL!) . i do* have some personal resolutions i choose not to share with the world. if you don't believe in resolutions, i hope you still believe in room for change, growth and progress. every day is a new beginning, clean slate and opportunity to start the rest of your life. whether it be those last 20lbs you've been trying to lose, that book you've been meaning to write or that car you been saving up to buy...i hope 2012 brings you closer to your finish line and sets you up for the bigger prize, whatever that means to you.

do something that makes you happy every day. take an hour of your week & dedicate it solely to you. sleep in on sundays and party like a college kid once a month (or so ;)). motivate your friends. smile at strangers (even in new york city). laugh until you cry. and when you're feeling like this world is giving you too much...give back. if you're reading this far, thank you...and happy new year from the bottom of my little bunnie heart. <3

Beauty in the Breakdown.

(wrote this sometime in July, before I had a this blog. read, share, marinate in it & enjoy)

There is a false and dangerous assumption in society that the man in a relationship is the cause of the break up. In every relationship there are two people (at least), two personalities, two visions, two sets of expectations, therefore two servings of responsibility & accountability for actions and effects and how they affect both parties. A lot of times, I see girls talking about how a man did her wrong, cheated, lied, faked the whole relationship & yes, thats wrong. No one should do that to another person, BUT in many cases these statements bashing men are made with the belief that women are flawless and the only positive contribution to the relationship. When I see women talk like this, I know it’s a form of denial, to cover the heartbreak and to avoid placing blame on herself. The fear of looking in the rear view mirror and admitting you could have done a few things differently. 

People often disguise their sadness with anger. Why are we so scared to show off our hurt, our tears...but its so easy to bash and brag about how angry we are, airing out all of his dirty secrets. Why cant we just say ‘Im really hurt about this, I wish I had someone to talk to or I need an outlet to vent’ its okay to cry to talk to repeat it over and over again until its out & you can move on to the next stage of the ‘moving on’ process. Women actually lower themselves to a level of ‘ugly’ when they talk badly about these men they once loved and honestly still love (you’re not fooling anyone).

We all have flaws, we bring those flaws with us in every relationship. If you are a woman telling yourself you are single because of how men are, what they do or anything like that…take a step back and realize you are analyzing everyone but yourself. Think about your last relationship and think about why it ended. If you don’t know then you can make a list of possibilities, with each possibility ask yourself ‘how did I help that situation, how did I hurt that situation?’. If you DO know why your last relationship ended, internalize it (in a healthy way). For example, cheating. Cheating and lying is wrong and the ultimate form of disrespect but if this happens you you over and over again, you are the common demoninator and you should look into that. Think about what drove him to cheat? Very few men cheat because they feel like fucking a new girl, its never okay but there is usually a reason.

We stay in the same situations because we fail to learn from our past mistakes and we rather go with what is comfortable even when it is not comfortable or healthy for our emotional well being. Its painful to analyze how YOU affect a situation in a negative way, its painful to place blame on yourself, but it brings great rewards. Staying in a negative situation is adding to your destructive cycle even when you are doing nothing at all. The fear of the unknown will only keep you hurt, healing the same wounds for years. 

True change comes with evaluating yourself and taking accountability for what you can change. Saying to yourself ‘This is what I do, this is the effect of it, I don’t want that effect so I need to change it…’. This is hard to do, especially with our subconscious mind and comfort having a huge magnetic attraction to each other.

I hate seeing women in such negative places & not admitting ‘Im HURT, HELP’. Face the hurt head on and cry. Its okay. Take responsibility for your half of the failed relationship, fix what you can and execute the lessons learned on the next guy. That’s the best you can do.

Not every ex wants you back, not every ex is the devil’s spawn, not every ex is scum of the earth. They may not want you back, you know what? That is okay cause that relationship didn’t work for YOU anyway! Grow from the break up, appreciate for the lessons you learned with him and move on. We have to learn how to appreciate people even when they are evil and hurt us. They break us down and strip us of our pride, dignity & self worth at times but like spring you can come back better, fresher, brighter, stronger, with a healthier love in you. 

The Non Relationship, Relationship.

Too often, I find myself in conversations with other women about men they are dating, but 'not dating'. What? You know, the safe zone of not friends but if shit ever hit the fan and someone were to catch feelings the 'we are just friends' line is still applicable. Once upon a time, I disagreed with the existence of this 'zone'. Either it was or it wasn't, whats so difficult? RIGHT? wrong. It is alive and well, and used way more often than the words 'Would you like to be my girlfriend?'. Unfortunately, women in this predicament take on the role of a girlfriend and start believing they actually are in relationships, so they subconsciously believe they are wives (it sounds crazy & delusional, but its real).

I am writing this post for those girls, the girls that find a man with all the characteristics of the man they have built in their heads, dreams and wedding fantasies. Only thing wrong with this man is he doesn't want to commit. But he is in your phone and on your mind, daily and on the weekends, in your bed...eating up your home cooked meal and soaking in your love. At first, you tell yourself 'this is nothing, you can do this, just have fun' while your subconscious is yelling 'IF YOU ACT LIKE HIS GIRL, HE WILL SEE YOU ARE CAPABLE AND THE LIGHT BULB WILL GO OFF IN HIS HEAD. HE WILL WANT TO COMMIT.'.  *sigh*

'...after all we were just friends. Although, in my world i was his girl so I would pretend to be his wife. Saying shit like "Its only so many years in a woman's life"...so I gave him 3' -Dana Gilmore

In preparing this post, my question was 'Why do we do that? that's so stupid!' Why do we put the domino pieces all in line with daily texts, 'good morning, baby's', free favors, unlimited sex, loyalty and commitment, you did not agree on to just have him say one day 'I told you I didn't want a relationship' or the torturous silent treatment that knocks those domino pieces down quicker and louder than any break up conversation you could ever have. Why do we make it so easy to be dumped in non relationships? Yesterday this came up on my timeline via a RT:

"The awkward moment when you are trying to get over someone you weren't even in a relationship with"  

Ain't that the TRUTH!? In my opinion, love is a beautiful thing to feel, even temporarily. The adrenaline rush from love is enough to go a week longer in any kind of non committal relationship in hopes that they will love you for real one day and all will be right in the world. I mean, who would deny attention? who would deny a home cooked meal? who would deny sex? Its not that they are not attracted you, they are. They may even see themselves with a woman like you, they even acknowledge how good a woman you are and appreciate all your good deeds. The real question is how much are YOU willing to do with no reciprocity, no promise to stay and for how long are you willing to do this. Where do you draw the line and say 'Im doing this because I want to but I need you to want to be with me, only me'. Ladies, that is not a selfish question and you are not wrong for wanting to be the only one. You are wrong in thinking you are the only one, trying to be the only one. (cc: Aubrey). Why would you think to be the only one when that agreement was never made and if you are attracted to this man, why wouldn't other women be too?

You have to understand yourself to know what you are willing to do without a commitment and what you need a commitment in order to do. Don't go around here giving full time benefits to a part time lover and expect him to put in overtime. You have to understand that just because YOU are willing to do something, does not mean he is. If you find yourself frustrated after doing some nice shit for him because you feel unappreciated or neglected then maybe you need to reevaluate what you said you wanted when this 'non relationship' began. Maybe those expectations changed as time went on and feelings grew. That's okay, feelings are natural. Don't let anyone tell you you are wrong for feeling. 

Men are the silent contributors to this epidemic of the  'non relationship'. I mean, they know what they have to do to continue the 'non relationship' but they do not have to verbalize it. They continue the calling, conversations, occasional hang out sessions, maybe slip in a little 'Im so into you's'. Why? because they like the attention, like I said...who wouldn't?!  Most men know exactly what to say to keep a girl right where she is, close enough to keep an eye on but far enough to not have to commit. This sounds like the perfect plan, but it often fails for men. Failure which they also, don't verbalize often. Men catch feelings, too. Wait. Ill say that again...Men catch feelings, too. I mean, they are human. LOL. Men notice a good quality female, men experience the butterflies, men feel too. Men talk to their friends about all the things you did and the idea lives in their heads too of 'what if..', men get jealous, men miss you, they do. If you let them miss you, if you don't actually try to get the jealous (because that's wrong, don't do that). I'm not sure if it is the fear of commitment, the constant search of 'something better' or whatever else excuse they have as to why they do not give into these feelings but the majority of it is: "Why do I have to commit to something when I'm already getting all the loyalty, committing comes with?". Why pay full price when you have a free coupon that's valid everyday? In that sense, they are  right. Its when shit hits the fan that everyone is to blame and the issue is unavoidable. The fork in the road of 'We commit or We break up'. 

So, Ladies...before you give a man the full access pass to your entire life, love and commitment you have to ask yourself if that is what you want or if that is what you want him to want. Are you playing the girlfriend role because you want to or because you want to be his girlfriend? After he has told you he doesn't want a relationship, why are you convinced you are the exception to make him want one? In the end, you will only expend all your resources and be left back at one, in the same 'I just wanna be cool with you' conversation and feeling like you just broke up with your boyfriend of 8 years when you have only known him a few months. HELLO! The hardest part of a non-relationship is breaking up with the idea and hope of what you want with him, a relationship.

 

To stop something from happening in your life, a lot of times you just have to stop putting up with it. Stop going through the motions and believing in the what ifs and bring your feet back to the ground. What do you want? No, you are not wrong for loving him, falling for him, doing for him. All those things are consequences of the actions and feelings that have taken place in your 'non relationship'. If feelings didn't develop after spending time, sexing, and caring for someone..you wouldn't be human & I would be concerned. A lot of times we lose ourselves and forget to ask 'Why am I doing this?, What do I want from this?'. Ask yourself more often what you want, are you getting it and if you feel appreciated. If the answer is no, then there is someone out there waiting to give you what you want, love you and appreciate you. Don't keep him waiting. :) 

the neighbor

So, today I was leaving my moms house to go to yoga class (hot yoga, so life changing) & the neighbor (young man, husband, 2 kids) says hi & as always I smiled & waved back. Now, we have never had a conversation prior to today, its always just a wave. I'm in my car and he gets into his and pulls up behind me. I thought that was so awkward but kept texting while my car warmed up. As I pull off, I notice he pulls off too and then he gets on the same highway, switches all the lanes I am switching, so now its getting a little awkward. We get to a red light and he pulls up next to me and tells me to pull over to the next gas station. My first thought was 'Is there something wrong with my car?'. I roll down my window at the gas station and he says 'Can we go inside the store because my son is in the car..' and he walks towards the store. I sat in my car for 3 seconds thinking 'What is going on?!?!?! Should I be scared? This is a public place, its okay. Just go.' So, I get in the store and he starts a regular ass conversation with me! As if he wasn't being a complete weirdo!!? The convo went like this: 

Him: hey, how are you?

Me: *long pause* I'm good, whats going on? 

Him: nothing, i just wanted to have a conversation with you but my son is in the car. If he sees me talking to you, he will tell his mother & we can't have that. 

Me: *stares* *jaw slightly dropped* ok. so...

Him: we just always wave at each other and i wanted to know if you wanted to be friends. you give off the vibe that you wanna be my friend. so, do you want to be friends? 

Me: no, i wave because you are my parents neighbor and thats the polite thing to do. i don't think we need to be friends. 

Him: are you in school? how old are you? you moved out right? your car is never there anymore..only sometimes. when are you coming around again? 

Me: umm. this is really weird. I'm 24, i moved. i won't be back for a while. 

Him: oh okay, so you're an adult. thats good. so do you wanna be friends? (as he pulls out his phone)

Me: theres no reason for us to be friends. your son is in the car, you have a WIFE at home...no reason for us to be friends. I have to go, I'm gonna be late...

Him: Oh, okay. well just make sure this stays between me and you because if my wife finds out...you know that will be a problem. 

Me: right. bye. 

*exits*

First of all, stalker? seriously. Why are you checking for me or my car like that!? No. Not okay. Second of all, lets be friends but not let tell your wife? What? No. HOW DARE YOU!? Third, YOU FOLLOWED ME FOR 2 MILES WITH YOUR SON IN THE CAR IN HOPES OF ME CATCHING THE BAIT! WHAT!? Fourth, I know who your wife is, I know where she lives, what car she drives, I watched your kids grow up, where is your dignity, bro!?

After this happened, I went about my day but it really bothered me, I kept thinking about things like 'Does his wife think she has a faithful, one woman man?' 'Will i ever find someone the opposite of that?' 'Im sorry for his family'. Its sad to me that families are built on lies, deceit and infidelity but here we are walking to an alter faking our vows and calling it 'til death do us part'. Am I part of an extinct set of morals and ideals? I would never think to pursue someone while I was in a relationship, let alone a marriage! That is disgusting. 

It hurts me that there are people like this man creating loving people into bitter people because he is living by a standard generalization of 'men aint shit'. I know a lot of good, hardworking, team LOVE men...but i would be lying to you if men like my neighbor didn't make me question those good men. Id be lying if I told you I didn't come home and as I told my father thought in my head 'Have you ever went outside your relationship with mommy?'. Its sad that we let the bad outweigh the good. I wish it didn't, but today was an example that it did. After thinking about it all day, I said to myself...'they ain't shit'. 

How are we ever going to be willing and open to love someone guards down, hearts open when the living examples all around us are telling us to love with a knife behind ya back (just in case)...? Its like the negative examples of love leave such lasting impressions on us blurring out the image my parents have raised me with, 24 years of hardworking, unconditional love. Is that fair? 

Well, thats what happened to me today..I wanted to share. I have to admit it shattered some of my enthusiasm for love but it hasn't killed it completely. 

Liz

No time for Love

Something ran past my twitter timeline last week that has been on my mind ever since; it went something like this..

"Men often say they can't commit to a relationship because they are focused on work right now while women make time for a job, a relationship and a social life..."

Is there really a difference in men and women making time for a relationship while maintaining a 'regular life'? or is it that anyone saying they can't have significant other at the moment because of *insert excuse here* just hasn't found someone worth committing to? Do we always have time to fit love in? Do WOMEN tend to make time for love, make love a priority in their already packed schedules. Sometimes, I forget to call my mother back, but I admit I rarely forget to text that 'boo' back. I know I have used  this line many times and have actually believed it. Since I read this tweet, I came to the realization that if the right person wanted to commit to me & asked me to do the same, I would. I would make time for that, and grad school, and work, and my family, friends, sleep, hobbies, etc. So, is this just something we say when we don't find all the qualities we think we are looking for in 'the one'? Who wants to waste their time, spending time...right?  How long are you going to say you can't cause you don't have time..until time actually runs out? When all the potentials have committed elsewhere, and you finally 'have time' to fall in love...

I have come to the conclusion that love, like life and death doesn't give a damn about your schedule, your time constraints or your 4 o'clock meeting that you 'cant miss'. In love, you will sit in that meeting and not know about anything being discussed, why? cause your mind is still cuddling in bed your boo. Love grows on its own and creeps up in us as we water it daily with cute messages back and forth, chill sessions, deep conversations, hilarious jokes, dates, dinners, randomness. What did you expect was going to happen? Lets be serious, we spend more time convincing ourselves we are not falling than the time it took to fall. Why? Whats so scary? (Everything, actually) but, at the end of the day...in our mid-twenties, we've survived a few heartbreaks and have bounced back, which is why we are here again, hopefully to stay in love this time, but maybe not. On that same token, Love doesn't care that you are comfortable and enjoying the life you've built with a lover, Love will leave when it wants too. Having you wondering 'What happened? How did we get here?'. It has surprised me many times with its departure, and in retrospect I can say it was never late, it always left on time.

The 'bullshit' about all of this is pride and the toxic trend of 'falling in love is for the weak'. The idea of having one lover is weak and having multiple is a sign of strength, independence and confidence. I am not sure if this is something specific to our generation, but it is very common now. The same people who say they don't have time for a relationship, spend most nights of the week with different lovers. So, really...the time is there because you are spending it, the problem is you'd rather spend it with not just one. Its not about a job or a crazy schedule...its about a will. Where there is a will there is a way. Sadly, too many of us (yes, myself included)...will use anything in our lives to push away what might be Love. We spend too much time thinking about the times we were left alone and hurt and not enough time thinking about that day you realized you loved them, or the mornings waking up next to them. We don't think about how GOOD it can feel because we are too guarded.

Your job will still be there, your family will be happy if you're happy, your social life will still be amazing, if it feels right don't stop it with silly hypotheticals based on past lovers. Take a hit of love, close your eyes and let your self go...the worst that can happen is you wake up.

Liz